Proverbs 20:6, 9

"Lots of people claim to be loyal and loving,

but where on earth can you find one?...

For who among us can be trusted

to be always diligent and honest?"

Proverbs 20:6, 9 (The Message)

Today I was betrayed by someone I had hoped would never betray me. I'm still a bit shell-shocked by it all, but a dear friend reminded me that the only person who will never betray us or break our trust is God. I have a decision to make and it's not an easy one. Do I continue in a relationship with this person or do I walk away? I simply do not know. 

I was so torn earlier today about this. My mind wouldn't stop racing with questions about what to do. What ifs were all over the place in my head. So, I drove up to the top of a mountain near where we live, found a secluded spot, rolled the windows down and spent some time with the Lord. 

I was listening to some music when I looked down and saw a Bible on the floor of the car. So, I got it out and started reading in Psalms. Then, I remembered that I downloaded a Bible app for my phone, so I got that out and searched for verses about betrayal. I read a few of those. I decided I wanted to sing a bit, so I got out my "Until the End of the World" soundtrack CD and listened to one of my favorite songs, "Calling All Angels" by Jane Siberry a few times, singing along with it without a care in the world because I knew no one was around to hear me. (Ok, maybe my singing is why Bigfoot didn't get me as one of my boys always warns me about him when I go off into the woods alone...) I ended my time with purging all my racing thoughts and hurt to the Lord. 

I felt the Lord telling me to just STOP, be still and LISTEN. So, I did. I sat there listening to the wind gently blow through the leaves until I felt the Lord telling me that it was OK. I didn't have to make any decisions right then. I could simply wait. So, that's what I'm doing. I don't know what the future holds for my relationship with this person. But, I do know that the Lord will never forsake me. My trust is in Him - not in human fallibility. And for tonight - that is enough. I'm simply going to basque in the peace the Lord has filled me with and rest.

Psalm 62:5, 8

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,

for my hope is in him...

O my people, trust in him at all times.

Pour out your heart to him,

for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:5, 8 (NLT)

Things in my family are pretty upside-down right now. I have so much I want to say - lectures that are bursting to come forth from my lips, but the Lord has clamped my mouth shut. I am learning to "wait quietly before God". I trust him - even with things that I think I could do such a good job with. ;-) 

Sunday afternoon I went on a hike to a waterfall with my boys. The waterfall was so peaceful and beautiful. While the boys went off in search of Bigfoot, I poured out my heart to God. That day, sitting on a rock in the middle of the creek, with the waterfall right next to me, God was my refuge. I was leaning my back upon the rock and it felt just as if I was sitting with God's arms wrapped around me. He heard my prayer and I trust him to work in the hearts of my family, including my own heart. We need restoration and God is the God of restoration, so I will wait quietly for his work to be complete. 

Psalm 40:1-3

"I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; 
finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me up from deep mud. 
He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip. He taught me 
how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people 
are seeing this: They enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God." 
Psalm 40:1-3 (The Message)

Waiting is not my strong point. In fact, I stink at the waiting game. Just ask those who waited with me as we waited to bring our two children home from Haiti. Oh boy! Was I a whining, sniveling child! What was supposed to take 6-9 months ended up taking 2 1/2 yrs! We hit one obstacle after the other. We even had people tell us that maybe the obstacles were God's way of telling us not to adopt! I just thought, "Get behind me Satan!" My husband and I prayed about adopting our children more than we had ever prayed about anything before or since. We clearly heard God tell us these were our children. So, we knew we were doing His will by adopting. We also knew that he had a reason for the adoption to take so long - not that knowing God's will was perfect made me any more capable of handling the wait. ;-)

Today, I look back and the wait doesn't seem that long at all. I still don't know why we needed to wait so long - other than God was teaching us patience. I DO know that when things get tough - as they almost always do when you adopt older children - I look back on that time of waiting so that I can remember how my heart longed for these children. I would be lying if I said I never thought, "Did we make a mistake?" when things get tough. I would be lying if I said I never questioned what God was thinking by calling us to adopt. (Those are definitely not my better days.) But, all it takes is a quick peek at my journal from back then to see how my heart ached and longed to be able to hold our children in my arms. That reminder is enough to tell me that all the difficult times are so incredibly worth it.

Thank you God for the wait we had in bringing our children home. Those memories remind me of how precious even the most difficult moments are with my adopted children. My children are HOME so we can have those difficult moments, instead of living in an orphanage somewhere, being abused and feeling abandoned and unloved. I'll take the snarkiest attitudes they can dish out! :-)