Psalm 73:21-26

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter,

and I was all torn up inside.

I was so foolish and ignorant - 

I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.

Yet I still belong to you;

you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

leading me to a glorious destiny.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

he is mine forever."

Psalm 73:21-26 (NLT)

Oh boy - do I know the pang of bitterness! The psalmist gets it right when he says he was "all torn up inside". That's exactly how it feels. You know what you're feeling is wrong, but the more you try to fight it, the worse the bitterness becomes. It gets so strong you can taste it. And the thoughts it leaves you thinking; the feelings it leaves you feeling... well... it's like you're being taken over by the bitterness monster of stench. And you can't just wash it off of yourself. 

Yet, despite how bitter my heart was becoming, God still claimed me for his own. He still guided me, when I would let him, to what I'm trusting will be a glorious destiny. God never gave up on me during that time of bitterness. People did. People I never thought would leave my side left me standing with my mouth gaping open in shock. But, the Lord my God, never, ever left me. Oh - I left him for a time, but he was always there, waiting ever-so patiently for me to return to him. 

People may fail me. My own mind and body may fail me. But, my God "remains the strength of my heart." He is mine forever. And no one can take him away from me. My Lord, My God - I do desire you more than anything on earth!

Luke 11:10-13

"Don't bargain with God. Be direct.

Ask for what you need.

This is not a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in.

If your little boy asks for a serving of fish, 

do you scare him with a live snake on his plate?

If your little girl asks for an egg, 

do you trick her with a spider?

As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing - 

you're at least decent to your own children.

And don't you think the Father who conceived you in love

will give the Holy Spirit when you ask him?"
Luke 11:10-13 (The Message)

I have struggled with this passage in the past. It seemed so much like whatever I asked for, God did the opposite. Especially when it came to being pregnant. I still don't have the answers as to why he answered my prayer to have a healthy baby with the death of so many of my babies, but I do know that when I asked for the Holy Spirit's help, He was there. He carried me through the pain and bitterness that came after the loss of my babies and he has brought me to a new understanding of his love for me. 

Is it fair that I lost so many babies when women who do drugs during their pregnancies or go on to abuse their children got to keep their babies? No. But, do I know God's plan for those babies who were born into this world? No. Who am I to question what he does? God sees everything from a totally different perspective than I do and while I would love to sit down with him and demand to know the answers, I also know that when I get to heaven I will be with my Father and none of this will even matter anymore. I will be with God and that's all that I'll need.

Luke 6:21b

"God blesses you who weep now,

for in due time you will laugh."

Luke 6:21b

This seems like a good time to share the vision I had while at a Rachel's Vineyard retreat to heal from the loss of my 8 babies to miscarriage...

I was in a dark forest and feeling rather afraid. There were knotted trees everywhere whose roots were sticking up every which way. It was so dark I was afraid to walk for fear of getting hurt by all the things sticking out in my "path". (There really was no path at all.) This part of the forest felt very sad and depressing.

Up ahead, I saw a light so I gingerly walked towards it. I discovered it was a clearing filled with tall, flowing grass and thousands of wildflowers. In the distance, I could see children frolicking around a man. As I walked closer, I could see that the man was Jesus. He was laughing with the children. As he saw me, he beckoned to me, "Come here, sweet child, let me introduce you to your children."

I fell to my knees and suddenly I was being surrounded by a group of children, all laughing and shouting for a chance to hug and kiss me. I began to laugh along with them, as I reached out to touch them and kiss their beautiful faces. We all stood up, held hands in a circle and danced and laughed around Jesus.

Eventually, it was time to go. I wasn't as sad about leaving as I thought I would be. I was sad, yes, but at the same time, I knew I would be seeing them again soon, in the realm of God's time. Jesus began to lead me away, gently holding my hand. With his other hand, he began clearing the trees and pointing out dips in the ground. He knew I would be hesitant due to my knee issues and wanted me to feel safe and secure!

When we left, we didn't go out the dark side, the way we went was only somewhat shaded with strips of sun streaming through the tall trees. At times, I would wander away from the path, but Jesus, ever-so-patiently - waited and watched me carefully, allowing me to take my time and enjoy all that was around me. I would always come back to Jesus and we would walk arm-in-arm, like two dear friends or lovers. We were enjoying each others company, laughing and having an intimate, yet casual conversation with each other.

I've had many times of sorrow in my life. Many tears have been shed, but I did laugh again. I still feel an ache in my heart when I think of the babies I never got to hold, but I know that "in due time", I will be with them in Heaven, laughing with Jesus. 

1 Samuel 1:15-16

"...I'm a woman hard used. I haven't been drinking...

The only thing I've been pouring out is my heart,

pouring it out to God.

Don't for a minute think I'm a bad woman.

It's because I'm so desperately unhappy 

and in such pain that I've stayed here so long."
1 Samuel 1:15-16 (The Message)

I've been stuck in my reading of the Old Testament ever since I got to 1 Samuel. This is such a difficult book for me to read. I find solace in this book. But, I also find bitterness in my heart when I read this book. Haven't I cried out to God for a baby? Why did God answer Hannah's prayer, but not my own? What have I done wrong? Is my faith not strong enough? Is my worship not good enough? 

No, God hasn't answered the cry of my heart by blessing me with another baby. But, what he has done is given me peace about it. Sure, I have days - like today - where my heart aches to have a baby of my own. But, despite that ache - which may or may not always be there - I have a sense of peace. 

My self-worth isn't determined by how many children I have. My salvation isn't determined by how many "arrows" are in my "quiver". I am loved by God simply because He created me. I have salvation in Christ simply because I believe that He died on the cross for ME. And this is enough for me. If I had no spouse, if I had no children, I would still be a beloved daughter of the King. And that is what brings me joy. That is what eases my pain. I stayed with the Lord long enough that he was able to heal my aching heart and show me what is truly important. 

Praise be to God!