Proverbs 18:14

"The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness,
But who can bear a broken spirit?"

Proverbs 18:14 (NKJV)

I have spent the last 5 years going through one medical issue after another. Miscarriage (after several weeks of bedrest), asthma issues, another miscarriage (after a couple months of bedrest), dislocated knee, torn cartilage in my wrist (which required surgery), depression and mono are just some of the things I've had to deal with. As difficult as it's been to deal with one thing after another, I have maintained a good spirit. I was able to function (except for some rough times after the miscarriages) and do what needed to be done. 

But, give me a broken spirit and just getting out of bed is a battle for me. It feels like a heavy weight is on my chest and my body weighs 500 pounds. Keeping my eyes open is a battle; I find myself falling asleep two, sometimes three times a day. Fixing dinner for my family is a chore I can't even get my brain to wrap around, let alone grocery shopping for them. 

I can't seem to beat this broken spirit. 

But, I know who can. Almighty God. While I may struggle to get daily living things done, there is one thing I can do - and that is to read God's Word. In fact, it's the one thing I truly hunger for these days. Even if I don't feel like I have it in me to open it up, I wind up with it sitting open my desk, bent over reading as much of it as I can, soaking it up and waiting to hear God's voice in what I read.

It's as if I'm sitting in the lap of my Father, his arms wrapped around me and I can finally relax. My body is tense every time I check on it. But, when I'm reading the Word or meditating on his Name, my body relaxes completely. He is a balm to my soul. I cling to these moments throughout the day. When my muscles ache from being so incredibly tense, I open to Psalms and soak up the words of the psalmist. I close my eyes and just rest in the words that I've read. 

I can't bear this broken spirit. But, God can. And he is carrying me through this time and is giving me the strength I need to get through each day. Praise be to God!

New King James Version (NKJV) Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Mark 15:34

"At three o'clock, Jesus groaned out of the depths, 

crying loudly, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?' 

which means, 'My God, my God, 

why have you abandoned me?"

Mark 15:34 (The Message)

Have you ever been in a dark pit of despair? Where no matter how hard you look, you just can't see God? I have. It was a very scary place to be. I had no hope at all. And when a person has no hope, what do they have to live for?

(I'm a bit scared to write this post, but I know I'm not the only one who has ever been in this dark hole. Maybe you're reading this and thinking, "That's where I am right now!" It is for your sake that I'm going to make myself vulnerable here. Because the last thing you need to believe is that you are alone, when you truly are not!)

I was drowning in despair and guilt. Why guilt? Because I had children who needed me, but I couldn't be there emotionally. Oh, I went through the motions and did a darn good job. I plastered a smile on my face for everyone on the outside to see, but inside I felt dead. I mean, literally dead. Emotionless. It was a very frightening place to be.

I became suicidal. I'd drive up to a mountain near our house and sit there, fighting with myself not to drive off the edge. I was terrified and felt so out of control of myself. I had SO MUCH to live for - 3 beautiful children, a wonderful husband who loved me so very much. Yet, the darkness consumed me. I felt I had no way out. I cried out to the Lord nearly every day, asking why he had abandoned me and wondering where he was. "Why won't you help me?!" was the cry of my heart. 

I don't have any answers as to why he remained silent during this time - other than the fact that I wasn't listening for him. Bitterness and fear had taken over my heart and I don't think there was any room for God in that. I believe it was also a chemical issue with my brain. So many people look at this stuff in their lives and think "I'm just weak". I'm sorry, but it took STRENGTH not to drive off those cliffs! (A strength that, in looking back, I can see was God, pure and simple.) 

I don't know why God allowed me to walk this path of depression. But, I do know that he's getting me through it. I ended up checking myself into a hospital - mainly because I just needed help sleeping - there isn't much a person can do with their mental sanity when they aren't getting decent sleep at night. I was able to get some medication to help me sleep and I stayed there for 3 days just resting so I could come back home and really get on with healing. 

I started taking an antidepressant medication - something I vowed I would NEVER do! Let me tell you this... I will NOT allow society to condemn me for needing a medication to keep me alive. I have no qualms about needing to take this drug. Did I wake up one morning and say, "Hmmm... I think I'm going to be suicidal from now on?" No, I did not. And no - I wasn't trying to seek attention as some people may believe. I mean, seriously? Do you really think I wanted the kind of attention that suicidal tendencies bring? I see absolutely no difference between needing insulin for diabetes or chemotherapy for cancer and medication for depression. We don't choose to have depression. If I had a choice, I'd choose feeling joyful and exuberant over feeling depressed every day. But, with the medication, and with my relationship with God getting back on track, I do feel joy more often. And that, my friends, is worth every pill I have to take! 

If you're struggling with feeling suicidal, please talk to someone. Go to your spouse, a parent, a friend, a pastor, or call a suicidal hotline (I have some numbers listed below). Just please - get it out into the Light. Satan loves what we hide in the darkness - he thrives on that environment and he will do anything to get you to succumb to death. But, God will work when we bring our thoughts out into the Light. In fact, he wants to work in your heart right now! There IS hope. God has not abandoned you! Please, reach out for help. Your life matters to me and to many others.

Suicide Hotlines:

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

or to find a hotline specific to your state, visit SuicideHotlines.com

Mark 14:71-72

"Now Peter got really nervous and swore, 

'I never laid eyes on this man you're talking about.' 
Just then the rooster crowed a second time. 

Peter remembered how Jesus had said, 

'Before a rooster crows twice, you'll deny me three times.' 

He collapsed in tears." 

Mark 14:71-72 (The Message)

After I had a few miscarriages and handled each one the same way - blaming and condemning God - I vowed that if I ever had another one, I would keep my eyes on Christ and just trust in God's plan for my life. I truly wanted to handle the losses in a manner that would glorify God. 

Then I had a few more miscarriages and handled those even worse than I did the first few. I wanted so much to keep Jesus close to my heart and instead, I denied Him. I turned from Him and felt so lost and alone. 

I imagine Peter must have felt that way. I'm sure he probably considered suicide for denying the Lord. I know I did. But, Jesus forgave him - even before Peter denied him. He told Peter what that he was going to deny him but he didn't throw him out. He took Peter with him as he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. He wanted Peter there with him while his heart was so deeply troubled about what was about to happen. 

I know Jesus wanted me with him as well. It was my own actions that caused me to feel distant from the Lord. I'm sure Jesus was coming to me, saying, "What's the matter with you, Jen, that you can't stick it out with me?!" just as he did with the disciples in the garden. And no matter what I wanted to do, I simply couldn't keep my eyes on Christ in my heartache. 

Now that I've made it through that dark time in my life, I look back on how I turned from God and it causes me to weep. How things would have been different for me had I just trusted in the Lord. Had I allowed God to carry me through the heartache I was going through, instead of pushing him away, blaming him for everything. I'd say I wish I could have a do-over, but I'd really rather not have anymore miscarriages. I think I'll just confess my failure and my sadness to God and allow his forgiveness to wash over me. 

Yes, I pulled a "Peter", but like Peter, God has forgiven me and is bringing me into an even closer relationship with Him. And for that, I praise my Father in Heaven!

Proverbs 8:17

"I love those who love me; those who look for me find me." 

Proverbs 8:17 (The Message)

Have you ever felt like God was missing from your life? Like he had abandoned you, despite his promise never to do that? I have. Many, many times. Looking back, I see that it was ME who had abandoned God. 

In the past, when I've gone through hard heart-wrenching times I stopped doing something that was very important to my having a strong relationship with the Lord. I stopped reading my Bible. That, my friends, is one of the most vital things we need to do if we want to feel God's presence! It's how he speaks to us, for cryin' out loud! How can we possibly expect him to be able to speak to us, if we're not in the Word?!?! {I'm yelling at myself here... LOL)

I'm going to be real blunt here. Satan lied to me, and I chose to listen to him! Satan told me that God was punishing me for sins by killing my babies. Satan told me that I must be a horrible mother and therefore God was saving my children by allowing them to die in my womb. Satan told me that I had spoken out about childhood abuse and this was my punishment for having done so. And I believed him! Knowing full-well what I know of Satan - that he is the father of lies. I chose to believe Satan over my loving Father. And this just breaks my heart. 

While that is heart-breaking to fall into that trap, there is a rainbow of grace here. Even in my darkest moments, I still longed for God. I had a deep, deep longing for God to help me through my heartache. I knew that God was the only One who could heal my broken heart. I wasn't able to read His Word for a very, very long time, but then, once I picked it up, I've been having a very difficult time putting it down. I kept looking for God and I am finding him again! I say "finding" because I'll never truly KNOW him until I get to Heaven. In this part of my journey, he is revealing more and more of himself to me and I am seeing how incredibly blessed I am! 

I pray that if you are in that dark place, wondering where God is, that you keep searching for him. Do whatever you have to do to pick up your Bible and read. Psalms is a great place to start when dealing with a broken heart. David wrote most of the Psalms and he knows a thing or two about having a broken heart. He sinned mightily against God, yet he was still called "A man after my [God's] own heart." because he continued to trust and love God. Don't believe the lies that Satan may be telling you. Look to the Bible and find the Truth of what God says about you! You are loved! And God desires to have a personal relationship with you! 

If you're not a follower of Christ, please accept him today. Don't wait. He loves you and wants to be in relationship with you. It is as easy as praying this:

Dear God,

I admit that I am a sinner in need of a Savior. I have tried 
living my life my way but I now know that I need You to guide 
me. Please forgive me of my sins [if you'd like to, list some here]. 
I want the freedom that a life with Christ can bring me. I believe 
that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I believe he rose again. 
I want to live with him in eternity. Thank you for forgiving me. 
Thank you for sending your Son, Jesus Christ, for me. 
In His name I pray. Amen. 

If you just prayed this prayer, please leave me a comment. I would love to pray for you as you begin your journey with the Lord. I encourage you to contact a local Christian church in your area. You can also read this article at Focus on the Family for more information as to what to do next. You may also contact them and they can help you as you begin your walk with God. I encourage you to get yourself a Bible and start to read it. The Book of Romans or the Book of Mark are great places to start. If you don't have the money for a Bible, please contact The Gideons and I'm sure they would love to give you a free Bible. (This is the group who provides Bibles in hotel rooms.) May the Lord bless you as you begin your new life with Him!

Mark 8:34

"'Anyone who intends to come with me [Jesus] has to let me lead. 

You're not in the driver's seat. I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. 

Follow me and I'll show you how.'" 

Mark 8:34 (The Message)

Reminds me of the bumper stickers I've seen where it says, "God is my co-pilot." No he's not! He is your pilot! The times I've tried to control my own life I have been left feeling lost. God is the One who shows me the way. 

What about this "embrace suffering"? Sounds kind of masochistic, doesn't it? Jesus isn't telling us we need to ENJOY suffering, he is saying that when suffering comes, you don't have to be afraid because we know what the end is going to be like. I can suffer and survive in this life, because this life is but a blink in comparison to the eternity that awaits me. An eternity of no suffering! No pain! No tears!

It reminds me of FlyLady when she says, "You can do anything for 15 minutes." I can suffer in this lifetime, because in the grand scheme of things, this lifetime is about the equivalent to 15 minutes. I can take pain - so long as I know it's going to end. Sort of like child birth. If we went by the pain level, we'd only give birth once. But, we know the pain is going to end and when it does end, we'll be holding a precious little bundle of joy! A gift of life!

Well, the same is true of our eternity. We, Christians, can survive the pain of this life, because we know a precious gift is waiting for us on the other side! Cling to that and we can get through any heart-ache in this life.

Romans 8:26-28

"...God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. 

If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. 

He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, 

our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, 

knows our pregnant condition [pregnant as in waiting], 

and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure 

that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." 

Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Tonight, as I vigilantly pray for a woman I know who is losing her son, I don't know how or what to pray. At our Bible study group Tuesday night, we talked about this passage in scripture and it came into my mind as I was searching for the right words to pray for my friend. And I find comfort in knowing that I don't have to use my words to pray. The Holy Spirit hears my silent moans of grief for this mother and He prays for me. For this loving family who is losing one of their own soon. 

God sees the tears I cry for a woman I have never met and he hears my heart without me even having to speak a sound. And God already knows every detail of this family's life. He is working. And what he does is good. 

I'm not saying it's good for a mother or father to lose their child. I'm not saying it's good for siblings to go through the loss of their brother. What I am saying is that... ok... I admit it... I don't know what I'm trying to say. :-( Romans 8:28 is a verse I have struggled with a lot in my life. What I've come to understand about it is that not everything that happens to us is good. But, God uses what happens to us to bring good into our lives. Perhaps we suffer in certain ways so that we can be a source of comfort when someone we know suffers. I just don't know...

I just looked up the notes for Romans 8:28 in my husband's Life Application Bible. Rather than continue to slaughter what I think God is trying to say, I'll just write what his Bible says, as it says it so much better than I ever could.

"God works in 'everything' - not just isolated incidents - for our good. 

This does not mean that all that happens to us is good. 

Evil is prevalent in our fallen world, but God is able to turn 

every circumstance around for our long-range good. 

Note that God is not working to make us happy 

but to fulfill his purpose." 

I'll just leave it at that.

Deuteronomy 7:9

"God, your God, is God indeed, a God you can depend upon." 

Deuteronomy 7:9 (The Message)

Tonight, my heart aches. A woman I have never met, but for whom I've been praying for daily, is about to experience the worst thing a mother can experience. Her young son is dying. This is incomprehensible to me. It's something that most of us mothers won't even allow ourselves to think about, but now, for this mother - it's a reality. No... it's a nightmare come true. 

I won't even pretend to try to understand this, let alone try to explain why children die. It doesn't make it any easier on the parents or family of the child to have people try to explain it. NOTHING can make the loss of your child okay. 

What I do know is this: God, OUR God, is God INDEED, a God we CAN depend upon. 

Does he answer our prayers the way we want them to be answered? Not always. But, does he give us the strength to get through whatever struggles come our way? You bet he does. We can always depend on HIM to carry us through even the most heart-wrenching of times. 

How I wish I could take this cup of suffering from this family. But, since I cannot, what I CAN do is to continue to lift them up in prayer. Will you please join me?

Deuteronomy 4:29-31

"...if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, 

looking for him with your whole heart and soul.  

When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, 

in future days you will come back to God, your God, 

and listen obediently to what he says. [emphasis mine] 

God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. 

In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin..." 

Deuteronomy 4:29-31 (The Message)

I bolded the above sentence because this verse really stuck out with me when I read this. This is part of why I haven't written in the last few days. I've just been mulling this verse over in my mind and haven't been able to figure out what to say, yet having so much I need to say about this verse. I finally decided the best way to figure out what to say is to just start writing. So, here I am, hoping the Lord helps me get my thoughts to straighten out as I go. :-)

"When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, 

in future days you will come back to God, 

your God and listen obediently to what he says." 

*insert sigh of relief here*

So, all the times I've had some awful times come my way He KNEW I was going to wander from Him and go through a period of "slavery" to my troubles, yet He ALSO knew I would come back to him. And ever better, He would meet me with compassion and not condemnation? He would be there for me and not abandon me? 

The picture this paints for me is so overwhelming that words can't even describe what I'm thinking and feeling right now. (And have been thinking and feeling for several days now.) 

That God knew that I would blame Him. I would even feel hatred towards Him, yet He still felt compassion for me during that time... well... that just blows my mind. 

I pretty much turned from God after my loss of Trystan (my 7th miscarriage). Bitterness entered my heart and I couldn't even sing in church. I went (sometimes) because I wasn't about to turn my family away from God. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I also felt so powerless to stop it. I wanted to scream at God. I wanted Him to explain to me WHY He kept taking my babies from me. 

Oh, people told me God NEEDED my babies more than I did. No, he didn't! God doesn't NEED anything or anybody! And He certainly didn't NEED my babies! I had people tell me all sorts of platitudes - none of which made me feel better. And I just wanted to feel better! I wanted to know WHY! 

No one could tell me why and God certainly wasn't answering, so why should "I" give "him" the time of day?! Especially when He had to have known, yet another, loss would cause me to turn from my faith. He must have WANTED me to leave His side. So, I'd do Him a favor and leave Him alone.And I did. 

I stopped praying. I stopped reading my Bible. I would come up with any excuse I could not to have to go to church. And if I wasn't able to get out of it, I'd go through the motions, but inside I felt dead. I wasn't going to sing praise songs to a God who stole my babies from me. I wasn't going to pray to a God who seemed to answer all my prayers the opposite of what I asked for. I wasn't going to listen to a person preach about a God who THEY claimed was full of mercy and grace, when I sure didn't see His "amazing" mercy and grace in my life! 

But, then I kept hearing this still, small voice calling me back. I'd catch myself praying during the day and have to literally remind myself that I wasn't going to pray to THAT God anymore, so I'd stop. I'd talk to a friend who was going through a hard time and the next thing I knew, I was looking up a Bible verse to share with them and then remember I wasn't "supposed" to be doing that. Oh, I was in full-on rebellion all right!

Then my husband and I went on a retreat for people who have gone through the loss of their babies. I'll write more about that retreat another time, I'm sure, but tonight, I just want to say that this retreat caused me to come back to God, just as this passage talks about. When troubles came, I turned my back on God. But, "in future days" I came back to Him. And I'm trying to listen obediently to what He says.

I may never know why my babies had to die in my womb. But, you know what I do know? I know that God IS a compassionate God. I know that God DIDN'T abandon me. I know that God DIDN'T bring me to ruin. And yes... I know that God STILL loves me.

Psalm 34:17-18

"Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're
kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath."
Psalm 34:17-18 (The Message)

Really needed this tonight. It was a rough day for me physically and emotionally. My heart felt broken and I felt as if I had been kicked in the gut, but God - through the help of a dear friend and a wonderful just-listening husband - did help me catch my breath. I'm so blessed!