Proverbs 11:14

"Without good direction, people lose their way; 

the more wise counsel you follow, 

the better your chances." 

Proverbs 11:14 (The Message)

Accountability. That's what I get from this verse. Do you have anyone you need to be accountable to? Your spouse, perhaps. When we're young we're accountable to our parents. What about someone outside of your family, who helps keep you on track. People in Alcoholics Anonymous have sponsors that they're accountable to. People in Weight Watchers are accountable to someone. But, what about us folks who aren't in programs like those? Who do we turn to, outside of our family, for accountability? 

I'm sure everyone reading this is thinking I'm looking for the one answer that's always right: Jesus. And that is correct. But, I'm talking about a person who we see, in the here and now, in flesh and bone. Yes, Jesus is the ultimate accountability partner, but I'm talking about another person that we can meet with face-to-face. We need wise counsel and good direction from fellow believers. 

I have a few close friends I can turn to for accountability. And my husband and I were just invited to a discipleship group at our church, which we're doing. I have also attended another women's group which is great for accountability for me. So, I do have a few things, but I haven't always used them to keep me accountable. I don't open up and share what's really on my heart with them. Well, I do, at times, with my close friends, but not often enough. 

What holds me back? Fear. Oh man - there's that 4-letter word again! I get afraid to let people in too close because I don't want to be judged. Because, like so many humans, I want to look good. "I can't let people know what I'm struggling with because they might not think I'm as good a Christian as I want them to think!" When I think like this, I'm no better than a Pharisee. They looked oh, so holy on the outside, but on the inside they were rotting flesh. And that's what I'm like when I don't allow people in and seek wise counsel. 

Does this mean I should just bear my heart and soul to everyone I know? Of course not. We need to determine who is a safe person for us - someone who doesn't gossip would be a great choice! Someone who is following the Lord, so that when we're struggling, they will keep our eyes focused on Christ. Someone who has walked the paths we're walking in our lives. And it can be more than one person. I have friends I turn to for different things. Friends who have adopted, get my adoption-related questions. Friends who have older teens, get my teen-related questions. Friends who have walked the path of a loved-one's addiction get my 'having-an-alcoholic-husband' questions. 

It is so important to have people in our lives who can help keep us on the right path. We can't afford to lose our way in this life! There are too many treacherous things out there. We need to keep wise people in our lives so our chances of making it through this life are better. Those wise people need to be people who have a relationship with the Lord, because there ARE going to be times where we wander from the path and get lost, and we're going to need people with strong faiths to get us back on track. 

I am so grateful to all the people I'm blessed to have in my life who have walked the treacherous path with me and have lovingly brought me back to the right path time and time again.

Mark 10:1-9

Before I begin, I need you to know that I sought my husband's permission before I shared the information that I'm sharing in this post...

This passage talks about divorce. The Pharisees were trying to trap Jesus, so they asked if he thought it was legal for a man to divorce his wife. Jesus pointed to what Moses commanded. 

"They [the Pharisees] answered, 'Moses gave permission 

to fill out a certificate of dismissal and divorce her.'

Jesus said, 'Moses wrote this command only as a concession 

to your hardhearted ways. In the original creation, 

God made male and female to be together. Because of this, 

a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage 

he becomes one flesh with a woman - no longer two individuals, 

but forming a new unity. Because God created this organic union 

of the two sexes, no one should desecrate 

his art by cutting them apart.'"

Mark 10:4-9 (The Message)

This isn't going to be post about anyone who might be reading this. This is a post about me and my husband and our marriage to each other. 

When we got married, we decided to ban the "D" word. If we didn't allow ourselves to use this word, we couldn't allow ourselves to ever get one of these. And it was great... for a time. Then some things happened that caused me to re-think our decision to ban the use of this word. My husband, who had over 15 yrs sober from alcohol, started to drink again. I honestly never thought we'd ever have to deal with this issue and didn't know how to handle it because I didn't know my husband when he was a drinker. He sobered up long before we even met. So, I was clueless as to what to expect. Was he a depressed drinker? Was he a black-out drinker? Was he a violent drinker. To say I was scared is an understatement. 

At first, I stood by him. I tried to support him. But, oh! If I smelled alcohol on his breath, I would LOSE it. I'd get so scared and it would come out as anger. I'd guilt him. I'd shame him. I'd threaten him. "If I smell booze, you can sleep out in the camper!" But, nothing worked. He kept right on drinking. Then, I wizened up. I decided to throw the "D" word out there. I "knew" if I used that word, he would know just how serious I was. But, even that didn't work. I was stumped! All these years, all it took, was me raising my voice a little bit and he'd usually cave and do what I wanted. Why wasn't he caving now? What was "I" doing wrong? Why wasn't "I" enough? I even used our kids in my shaming attempts. Nothing worked. 

I went to a couple Al-Anon meetings and, while they were really good, they reminded me too much of the cult I was in when I was a teen so I got triggered there quite a bit. It just got to be too much for me to go. But, I read their literature and I knew a lot of the principles because of my past experiences in life. I decided I needed to take care of myself and our kids and let my husband do what he needed to do. But, I also started to seriously think about divorce. 

There. I said it. And I lived. The earth didn't cave in around me. And God didn't strike me dead for speaking the word out. I needed to think about it. Seriously think about it because if things continued down the path they were going - I was going to need to leave my husband. Oh, how that shattered my heart! 

But, I just kept doing what I needed to do for me. I was already seeing a great Christian therapist, so I kept seeing her. I confided in friends. I stopped hounding my husband about his drinking. Quite frankly, I just didn't want to know anymore. I stopped sniffing as he walked by me to see if I could catch a whiff of anything. I just did what I needed to do for me and our kids. 

It took my husband's boss talking to him and putting him on probation at work for him to start looking at quitting drinking. He's been dry for several months now. I am unable to say he's been "sober" because he's not going to meetings and he's not really allowing God in his life right now. However, I can say that he is trying to be a good husband and father. He's much more present than he was. He laughs more. He's not as angry all the time. Well, unless he thinks about a certain situation in his life, then the bitterness begins to set in and I start to worry about him taking another drink. But, I just keep putting him, and this situation, in God's hands. He's got it under control.

What my husband IS doing is wonderful! He is going to church again. He's attending a Bible Study with me every week. He's attending the Men's Breakfast at our church. He's meeting with the elders in the church and opening up to them so he has someone who can keep him accountable. He's seeing my therapist occasionally. He is doing his best and I am so very proud of him. 

I'm getting glimpses of my old husband again, so I know he's still in there. And I have decided to, once again, remove the "D" word from my vocabulary. Do I believe there are times where a divorce is necessary. Yes, I do. But, I do not believe it is necessary for my marriage anymore and I pray it stays that way. God's desire isn't for marriages to end in divorce. But, if your marriage did or is, know that He still loves you and is still right by your side. He will get you through this, if you let him.

Mark 6:1-3

"He [Jesus] left there [Jairus' house - where he raised the 

young girl back to life] and returned to his hometown... 

He made a real hit, impressing everyone... 

They said, 'How did he get so wise all of a sudden, get such ability?' 

But in the next breath, they were cutting him down...' 

We've known him since he was a kid... Who does he think he is?" 

Mark 6:1-3 (The Message)

When I accepted Christ, I became a new person. I "believed" in Christ my entire life since I was raised in the faith. However, I didn't really accept him, for myself, until I was an adult and had a child of my own. I had someone from my past try to keep me down. Through someone else, she tried to make me think I was the same person I was before I accepted Christ. The same cigarette-smoking, cursing person I was way back when.

I will never forget that day. I was at my kitchen counter, wearing the 'home school uniform' (a lovely lavender denim jumper), baking something. (I know, right? You couldn't get much more stereo-typical than that! LOL) I remember closing my eyes, taking a deep breath and gently saying, "That's who I used to be. I am not that person anymore." Then, I admitted much of my own past to the person I was speaking to - a person I love very much and hated having to admit many of my wrongs to - but I saw that I needed to do so in order for this person to see that I wasn't trying to hide my guilt; that I wasn't trying to be a hypocrite in who I was that day.

I was a sinner way back then and I'm still a sinner today. I need Jesus just as much today as I needed him back in the days of my youth. I still lose my temper. I still slam doors when I get angry. I still curse at times (Although, thank the Lord, this has gotten even less! You know it's gotten better when you slam your finger in the cupboard and you seethe the words, "OH MAN!" instead of some other 4-letter word. LOL) I no longer smoke - and haven't in almost 13 yrs now (Praise Jesus!!!) but oh, do I still crave it when I get angry about something. There are many, many things that have changed about me since accepting Christ and there are many, many things that still need to change. I'm not perfect - I'm a work-in-progress. And if I ever act as if I am, that's just me showing the world that I still need Jesus!

However, I will not allow anyone to try to make me believe I am the same person as I was back then. I am a new creation in Christ Jesus and no one will make me believe otherwise. :-) I love how the notes in my husband's NLT Life Application Bible puts it... "If friends, neighbors, or family don't respect your Christian work, don't let their rejection keep you from serving God." Amen!

Matthew 16:24-26

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in 

the driver's seat; *I* am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me 

and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the 

way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is 

it to get everything you want but lose yourself? 

What could you ever trade your soul for?" 

Matthew 16:24-26 (The Message)

I think many people take this verse to mean that, as Christians, we're supposed to be door-mats. I believe this line of thinking is entirely false. 

Self-sacrifice leads us to finding our true selves. When we know WHOSE we are, we know he would never call us to be in abusive situations. Being with someone who is abusive actually causes us to LOSE ourselves. Knowing WHOSE we are, we know we are sons and daughters of the Living King and what decent king would sit back and tell his children to allow themselves to be abused? Certainly not God, the Father! 

Does this verse then, mean we aren't to have boundaries with people? That we are to continue to let them hurt us over and over and over again? Absolutely not! Again, when we know WHOSE we are, we find our true selves and we realize that we can set healthy boundaries WITH LOVE.

Self-sacrifice means giving up the things we want - NOT the things we need. Yes, sometimes we're called to give up our shoes or our coats, but more than likely, we don't really NEED those things anyway? How many of us don't have an extra pair of shoes or another coat at home? 

Self-sacrifice is sacrificing that dinner out so that I can buy the homeless lady I saw down the street some decent food. Self-sacrifice is stopping to give an elderly lady a ride in the snow even though that means my kids might have to wait a little bit longer for me to pick them up from school. Self-sacrifice doesn't mean sacrificing my safety at the hands (or the mouths) of abusive people.

Ok, getting off my soapbox now...