Luke 6:21b

"God blesses you who weep now,

for in due time you will laugh."

Luke 6:21b

This seems like a good time to share the vision I had while at a Rachel's Vineyard retreat to heal from the loss of my 8 babies to miscarriage...

I was in a dark forest and feeling rather afraid. There were knotted trees everywhere whose roots were sticking up every which way. It was so dark I was afraid to walk for fear of getting hurt by all the things sticking out in my "path". (There really was no path at all.) This part of the forest felt very sad and depressing.

Up ahead, I saw a light so I gingerly walked towards it. I discovered it was a clearing filled with tall, flowing grass and thousands of wildflowers. In the distance, I could see children frolicking around a man. As I walked closer, I could see that the man was Jesus. He was laughing with the children. As he saw me, he beckoned to me, "Come here, sweet child, let me introduce you to your children."

I fell to my knees and suddenly I was being surrounded by a group of children, all laughing and shouting for a chance to hug and kiss me. I began to laugh along with them, as I reached out to touch them and kiss their beautiful faces. We all stood up, held hands in a circle and danced and laughed around Jesus.

Eventually, it was time to go. I wasn't as sad about leaving as I thought I would be. I was sad, yes, but at the same time, I knew I would be seeing them again soon, in the realm of God's time. Jesus began to lead me away, gently holding my hand. With his other hand, he began clearing the trees and pointing out dips in the ground. He knew I would be hesitant due to my knee issues and wanted me to feel safe and secure!

When we left, we didn't go out the dark side, the way we went was only somewhat shaded with strips of sun streaming through the tall trees. At times, I would wander away from the path, but Jesus, ever-so-patiently - waited and watched me carefully, allowing me to take my time and enjoy all that was around me. I would always come back to Jesus and we would walk arm-in-arm, like two dear friends or lovers. We were enjoying each others company, laughing and having an intimate, yet casual conversation with each other.

I've had many times of sorrow in my life. Many tears have been shed, but I did laugh again. I still feel an ache in my heart when I think of the babies I never got to hold, but I know that "in due time", I will be with them in Heaven, laughing with Jesus. 

1 Samuel 1:15-16

"...I'm a woman hard used. I haven't been drinking...

The only thing I've been pouring out is my heart,

pouring it out to God.

Don't for a minute think I'm a bad woman.

It's because I'm so desperately unhappy 

and in such pain that I've stayed here so long."
1 Samuel 1:15-16 (The Message)

I've been stuck in my reading of the Old Testament ever since I got to 1 Samuel. This is such a difficult book for me to read. I find solace in this book. But, I also find bitterness in my heart when I read this book. Haven't I cried out to God for a baby? Why did God answer Hannah's prayer, but not my own? What have I done wrong? Is my faith not strong enough? Is my worship not good enough? 

No, God hasn't answered the cry of my heart by blessing me with another baby. But, what he has done is given me peace about it. Sure, I have days - like today - where my heart aches to have a baby of my own. But, despite that ache - which may or may not always be there - I have a sense of peace. 

My self-worth isn't determined by how many children I have. My salvation isn't determined by how many "arrows" are in my "quiver". I am loved by God simply because He created me. I have salvation in Christ simply because I believe that He died on the cross for ME. And this is enough for me. If I had no spouse, if I had no children, I would still be a beloved daughter of the King. And that is what brings me joy. That is what eases my pain. I stayed with the Lord long enough that he was able to heal my aching heart and show me what is truly important. 

Praise be to God!

Proverbs 16:9

"We plan the way we want to live, 

but only God makes us able to live it."

Proverbs 16:9 (The Message)

Did you have specific plans for your life as a child? I did. I was going to grow up, get married and be a mom (I never really worried about how many kids I was going to have, I just knew I would have kids). I also wanted to be a teacher. Growing up, I never really thought I'd adopt, but once I got married and became stronger in my faith, I knew I wanted to. As a mom (of both biological and adoptive children) who home schools one of her kids (and soon to be more), I'm pretty much doing what I planned on doing all my life. :-)

What I didn't plan on was being the mom of 10 children, but only getting to see and hold 3 of them. Our plan to adopt was when our biological son was older, but having 8 babies born straight to heaven changed that plan. Actually, it was after the third baby went to heaven, that we decided to adopt. I also didn't plan on my husband, who had years of sobriety, drinking again. And I didn't plan on severe depression entering my life. 

What I did plan on was having God by my side. And, while there have been times I've felt abandoned by God, I believe with all my heart that he has always been here with me. It is his strength who has gotten me through all the unplanned things in my life. It is his love which has brought me out of depression and back into the Light. It is his healing that is getting my husband back on the wagon. And it is his grace that has allowed us to have the three beautiful, wonderful children we have here on earth today. 

Sure, in all honesty, there are some things I wish I didn't have to go through in this life. However, I truly wouldn't change the things that got me to where I am today. I have a beautiful life! It's been a difficult life, to be sure, but it is a beautiful life, nonetheless. Things didn't go as I planned, but God made a way for me to live as close to the life I had planned as I can today. I am so incredibly blessed!

Mark 14:71-72

"Now Peter got really nervous and swore, 

'I never laid eyes on this man you're talking about.' 
Just then the rooster crowed a second time. 

Peter remembered how Jesus had said, 

'Before a rooster crows twice, you'll deny me three times.' 

He collapsed in tears." 

Mark 14:71-72 (The Message)

After I had a few miscarriages and handled each one the same way - blaming and condemning God - I vowed that if I ever had another one, I would keep my eyes on Christ and just trust in God's plan for my life. I truly wanted to handle the losses in a manner that would glorify God. 

Then I had a few more miscarriages and handled those even worse than I did the first few. I wanted so much to keep Jesus close to my heart and instead, I denied Him. I turned from Him and felt so lost and alone. 

I imagine Peter must have felt that way. I'm sure he probably considered suicide for denying the Lord. I know I did. But, Jesus forgave him - even before Peter denied him. He told Peter what that he was going to deny him but he didn't throw him out. He took Peter with him as he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. He wanted Peter there with him while his heart was so deeply troubled about what was about to happen. 

I know Jesus wanted me with him as well. It was my own actions that caused me to feel distant from the Lord. I'm sure Jesus was coming to me, saying, "What's the matter with you, Jen, that you can't stick it out with me?!" just as he did with the disciples in the garden. And no matter what I wanted to do, I simply couldn't keep my eyes on Christ in my heartache. 

Now that I've made it through that dark time in my life, I look back on how I turned from God and it causes me to weep. How things would have been different for me had I just trusted in the Lord. Had I allowed God to carry me through the heartache I was going through, instead of pushing him away, blaming him for everything. I'd say I wish I could have a do-over, but I'd really rather not have anymore miscarriages. I think I'll just confess my failure and my sadness to God and allow his forgiveness to wash over me. 

Yes, I pulled a "Peter", but like Peter, God has forgiven me and is bringing me into an even closer relationship with Him. And for that, I praise my Father in Heaven!

Deuteronomy 33:27

"The ancient God is home on a foundation of everlasting arms." 

Deuteronomy 33:27 (The Message)

When I read this verse, I felt such a sense of peace. God is home. Reading my Bible every day has made me feel like I am coming back home. These last several years I have felt so distant from God. It was all my own doing, although I tended to blame God for feeling so far away from him. It's easy to do that, don't you think? But, seriously, how am I supposed to feel close to God when I'm not doing anything to allow him in?

I wouldn't pray. Oh, I said I "couldn't" pray, but the reality is that I wouldn't even try. I wouldn't read my Bible. Again, I said I "couldn't" but I wouldn't even attempt to open it. If I picked it up at all, it was to move it to a different part of the room or because I wanted to throw it across the room in anger. I would go to church, but my heart wasn't there. My mind was arguing with everything the pastor said. He'd say, "God is a loving God" and my mind would say, "Oh really? If what he's done for me is 'loving' then I want nothing to do with a god like that!"

I pushed God out of my life. I even told him to stay out of my business because I could do a better job than he obviously could. I was in full-on rebellion. And I knew it. And I lived in fear every day. I didn't know if I would go to heaven if I died that day. And since I was borderline suicidal, well.. let's just say fear was my ruler. 

I'm so thankful that the Lord gently led me back to him. He didn't force me. No one told me I had to get back to God. (Partly because no one really knew where my heart was. I have no doubt that a couple certain friends, had they known exactly where my heart was and just how far into rebellion I had gotten, they would have lovingly, yet firmly, set me straight. I just have awesome friends like that!) It was all God's doing. And he gets all the glory for my life today.

His everlasting arms lovingly wrapped me in up in love and forgiveness. He has brought me "home" to him. And he is my foundation.

Deuteronomy 4:29-31

"...if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, 

looking for him with your whole heart and soul.  

When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, 

in future days you will come back to God, your God, 

and listen obediently to what he says. [emphasis mine] 

God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. 

In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin..." 

Deuteronomy 4:29-31 (The Message)

I bolded the above sentence because this verse really stuck out with me when I read this. This is part of why I haven't written in the last few days. I've just been mulling this verse over in my mind and haven't been able to figure out what to say, yet having so much I need to say about this verse. I finally decided the best way to figure out what to say is to just start writing. So, here I am, hoping the Lord helps me get my thoughts to straighten out as I go. :-)

"When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, 

in future days you will come back to God, 

your God and listen obediently to what he says." 

*insert sigh of relief here*

So, all the times I've had some awful times come my way He KNEW I was going to wander from Him and go through a period of "slavery" to my troubles, yet He ALSO knew I would come back to him. And ever better, He would meet me with compassion and not condemnation? He would be there for me and not abandon me? 

The picture this paints for me is so overwhelming that words can't even describe what I'm thinking and feeling right now. (And have been thinking and feeling for several days now.) 

That God knew that I would blame Him. I would even feel hatred towards Him, yet He still felt compassion for me during that time... well... that just blows my mind. 

I pretty much turned from God after my loss of Trystan (my 7th miscarriage). Bitterness entered my heart and I couldn't even sing in church. I went (sometimes) because I wasn't about to turn my family away from God. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I also felt so powerless to stop it. I wanted to scream at God. I wanted Him to explain to me WHY He kept taking my babies from me. 

Oh, people told me God NEEDED my babies more than I did. No, he didn't! God doesn't NEED anything or anybody! And He certainly didn't NEED my babies! I had people tell me all sorts of platitudes - none of which made me feel better. And I just wanted to feel better! I wanted to know WHY! 

No one could tell me why and God certainly wasn't answering, so why should "I" give "him" the time of day?! Especially when He had to have known, yet another, loss would cause me to turn from my faith. He must have WANTED me to leave His side. So, I'd do Him a favor and leave Him alone.And I did. 

I stopped praying. I stopped reading my Bible. I would come up with any excuse I could not to have to go to church. And if I wasn't able to get out of it, I'd go through the motions, but inside I felt dead. I wasn't going to sing praise songs to a God who stole my babies from me. I wasn't going to pray to a God who seemed to answer all my prayers the opposite of what I asked for. I wasn't going to listen to a person preach about a God who THEY claimed was full of mercy and grace, when I sure didn't see His "amazing" mercy and grace in my life! 

But, then I kept hearing this still, small voice calling me back. I'd catch myself praying during the day and have to literally remind myself that I wasn't going to pray to THAT God anymore, so I'd stop. I'd talk to a friend who was going through a hard time and the next thing I knew, I was looking up a Bible verse to share with them and then remember I wasn't "supposed" to be doing that. Oh, I was in full-on rebellion all right!

Then my husband and I went on a retreat for people who have gone through the loss of their babies. I'll write more about that retreat another time, I'm sure, but tonight, I just want to say that this retreat caused me to come back to God, just as this passage talks about. When troubles came, I turned my back on God. But, "in future days" I came back to Him. And I'm trying to listen obediently to what He says.

I may never know why my babies had to die in my womb. But, you know what I do know? I know that God IS a compassionate God. I know that God DIDN'T abandon me. I know that God DIDN'T bring me to ruin. And yes... I know that God STILL loves me.

Psalm 30:2-3,5

"God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. 

God, you pulled me out of the grave, 

gave me another chance at life when 

I was down-and-out." 

Psalm 30:2-3 (The Message)

I like that this paraphrase uses the phrase "yelled for help". When we are knee-deep in the muck of this life, we don't necessarily speak quietly. At least I know I don't! I've yelled at God. I poured my heart out to God. In fact, I screamed at God. And you know what? I'm still alive to tell about it. God is a big enough God to handle my anger, my fear, my frustration, my grief. And he's big enough to handle yours. Cry out to Him. He WILL hear you and He will help you. He WILL give you another chance at life.

Another verse I love from this Psalm is verse 5:  

"The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter."

This has definitely happened to me. My days are now filled with laughter. I love to be silly with the kids and they love to break out in unable-to-stop laughter with me. There is nothing like laughing so hard you cry with your kids. Nothing. :-) Ok.. so maybe laughing so hard your kids wet their pants... ;-)

Psalm 30:11-12

"You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God, I can't thank you enough."
Psalm 30:11-12 (The Message)

God did do this for me. I was deep in the grips of grief and mourning and he rescued me from that. He didn't do it immediately; it took a couple years, but he did it nonetheless! My mourning has turned to dancing and I can no longer keep quiet about what he has done for me. I truly cannot thank God enough!