Psalm 89:29-34

"I'll guarantee his family tree

and underwrite his rule.

If his children refuse to do what I tell them,

if they refuse to walk in the way I show them,

If they spit on the directions I give them

and tear up the rules I post for them - 

I'll rub their faces in the dirt of their rebellion

and make them face the music.

But I'll never throw them out,

never abandon or disown them."

Psalm 89:29-34 (The Message)

What a comforting passage! I know this was written and it was talking about David, but I believe this promise of God to "never abandon or disown them" is also meant for us. If we have accepted Christ and truly believe that he died and rose again for the payment of our sins, then God's love is with us forever. Truly, His love for us is with us even before we accept Christ, but we have to accept his love - through Jesus Christ - in order for us to KNOW his love for us. 

It is my prayer that all those in my life come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. I can't force it on anyone, but I can definitely pray for them! And I do, every day. I want my friends and loved ones who don't know the freedom that comes from having a relationship with the Lord to find that freedom. I've talked about God with so many of my friends who aren't Christian and so many of them feel that God is an angry, judgmental God when he isn't! Yes, he gets angry AT sin, but he doesn't hate the sinner! He loves the sinner and his heart aches when we refuse to follow his direction. 

If you're a parent you know what I'm talking about. You love your child no.matter.what. Do you always love their behavior? NO WAY! I can honestly say that when any one of my children blatantly and willfully rebels against us, I hate it. It breaks my heart! I literally ache for the decision that they are making at that moment. Why? Because I know when they willfully choose to rebel, they are choosing to remove themselves from God's grace. I'm still there, waiting for them to turn back to me, but oh, how my heart aches at their disobedience! 

God is the same way. He WILL allow us to "face the music" of our actions,  but will he discard us when we sin? No way! He will be there, waiting with open arms, for us to come back to him. And he will celebrate when we do. Oh, how I wish I could get certain people in my life to understand this! I think their lives would be so much richer and meaningful if they did! So, I continue to pray, trusting that seeds are planted by my words and actions and hoping that they allow the Holy Spirit to water their souls so they can blossom into beautiful children of God!

Psalm 103:6-18

"God makes everything come out right;

he puts victims back on their feet.

He showed Moses how he went about his work;

opened up his plans to all Israel. 

God is sheer mercy and grace; 

not easily angered, he's rich in love.

He doesn't endlessly nag and scold,

nor hold grudges that last forever.

He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,

nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.

As high as heaven is over the earth,

so strong is his love to those who fear him.

And as far as sunrise is from sunset,

he has separated us from our sins.

As parents feel for their children,

God feels for those who fear him.

He knows us inside and out,

keeps in mind that we're made of mud.

Men and women don't live very long;

like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,

But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,

leaving nothing to show they were here.

God's love, though, is ever and always,

eternally present to all who fear him,

Making everything right for them and their children

as they follow his Covenant ways

and remember to do whatever he said."

Psalm 103:6-18 (The Message)

I sinned Friday afternoon in a pretty big way. I (emotionally) hurt one of my children and as much as I'd like to take my words back, I can't do that. As a friend said, "It's like trying to put toothpaste back into the toothpaste tube." Nothing I say is going to make a difference at this point. The only One who can fix this is God. 

I feel like ripping my heart out. It is so black with sin and I wonder if it will ever be clean. The Bible says that He "washes us white as snow" but my heart is so stained that I wonder how that can be. I think that there will always be a stain there. 

I don't ask God to make this all come out right for my sake. But for my child's sake. I don't want this child's forgiveness for me - Lord knows, I don't deserve it. I want it for the sake of my child's heart. I don't want my child to have an unforgiving, bitter heart. I've been there - it's ugly. I've seen people whose lives have been wasted by unforgiveness and I don't want this for my precious child! 

And yet, as I write this, I keep hearing this voice in my head saying, "But, if YOU don't accept my forgiveness for your sin then YOU'RE going to go right back to having that unforgiven, bitter heart yourself." I know this is the truth, and I can believe that God forgives me, but the biggest obstacle for me is forgiving MYSELF. 

"Oh Lord. help me to accept your forgiveness and your love. 

Make everything in this situation come out right. Heal hearts. 

Help everyone to forgive. Help me to accept your forgiveness. 

Help my child to accept my repentant heart. 

Put my child back on their feet. 

Help this child to see and feel Your love, 

as well as my own love.

And help ME to forgive myself - 

despite my feeling so unworthy."

Mark 14:71-72

"Now Peter got really nervous and swore, 

'I never laid eyes on this man you're talking about.' 
Just then the rooster crowed a second time. 

Peter remembered how Jesus had said, 

'Before a rooster crows twice, you'll deny me three times.' 

He collapsed in tears." 

Mark 14:71-72 (The Message)

After I had a few miscarriages and handled each one the same way - blaming and condemning God - I vowed that if I ever had another one, I would keep my eyes on Christ and just trust in God's plan for my life. I truly wanted to handle the losses in a manner that would glorify God. 

Then I had a few more miscarriages and handled those even worse than I did the first few. I wanted so much to keep Jesus close to my heart and instead, I denied Him. I turned from Him and felt so lost and alone. 

I imagine Peter must have felt that way. I'm sure he probably considered suicide for denying the Lord. I know I did. But, Jesus forgave him - even before Peter denied him. He told Peter what that he was going to deny him but he didn't throw him out. He took Peter with him as he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. He wanted Peter there with him while his heart was so deeply troubled about what was about to happen. 

I know Jesus wanted me with him as well. It was my own actions that caused me to feel distant from the Lord. I'm sure Jesus was coming to me, saying, "What's the matter with you, Jen, that you can't stick it out with me?!" just as he did with the disciples in the garden. And no matter what I wanted to do, I simply couldn't keep my eyes on Christ in my heartache. 

Now that I've made it through that dark time in my life, I look back on how I turned from God and it causes me to weep. How things would have been different for me had I just trusted in the Lord. Had I allowed God to carry me through the heartache I was going through, instead of pushing him away, blaming him for everything. I'd say I wish I could have a do-over, but I'd really rather not have anymore miscarriages. I think I'll just confess my failure and my sadness to God and allow his forgiveness to wash over me. 

Yes, I pulled a "Peter", but like Peter, God has forgiven me and is bringing me into an even closer relationship with Him. And for that, I praise my Father in Heaven!

Psalm 51:4-6

"You're the One I've violated, and you've seen it all, 

seen the full extent of my evil. You have all the facts before you; 

whatever you decide about me is fair. I've been out of step 

with you for a long time, in the wrong since before I was born. 

What you're after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; 

conceive a new, true life." 

Psalm 51:4-6 (The Message)

In church this past Sunday, our guest pastor talked about sin; a topic many churches fail to talk about much these days. No one wants to be reminded of their sin. Don't we go to church to hear how God's grace covers our sin? But, you know what? We DO need to be reminded of our sin! 

This pastor talked about getting specific with our sin. How often do we pray and ask God to "forgive all our sins we committed this day", but then we don't list any of them? If we don't acknowledge exactly how it is we have sinned against God, how can we show deep conviction to turn away from that sin? Are we really showing God how truly repentant we are when we just say "forgive my sins" or do we show how much our heart grieves us due to our specific sin when we just do a blanket covering like that? 

Some would argue: Well, this passage says that God has seen it all. So, why do I need to list it all for him? Because when we state specifically HOW we have sinned, we can then show true Godly sorrow and repentance. 

I mean really... how long has it been since you've truly searched your heart and looked at each specific way that you sin and bring those things directly before God? I know for me it had been a LONG time. I was so thankful that church ended with communion with a time of reflection before receiving the body and blood of Christ. I used that time of reflection to truly search my heart and I felt so cleansed after receiving communion. 

We can't hide from God, so we might as well own up to all our sins (call it what it is. It's not a mistake. It's not a wrong. It is ugly SIN.) and then repent (which means "to turn away from") of our sins and receive God's Holy forgiveness. Let me tell you, I felt like a yoke had been lifted from my shoulders and I literally feel lighter today. Praise God!

Psalm 41:12

"You know me inside and out, you hold me together, 

you never fail to stand me tall in your 

presence so I can look you in the eye." 

Psalm 41:12 (The Message)

It used to freak me out that God knew me inside and out. "He knows my thoughts?!" I had every reason to be freaked out! My thoughts weren't (and still aren't) all that great! Today, it comforts me to know that he knows me so well. There are times I don't know what I even need - but God knows. All I have to do is sit in his presence and I know that I'll be okay. 

And because he knows me so well, I don't have to try to keep anything from him. Let me tell ya - it takes a lot of effort to try to hide things from God! And it's all pointless because he knows it before I even do! It's craziness! LOL 

In all seriousness though, God does know me. And despite knowing every dark thought, every negative deed, he still loves me. He accepts me because I've accepted Jesus. He wipes my slate clean so that I CAN stand before him. Without Jesus, I wouldn't have a chance! But, with Jesus, I am no better or worse than the next person. And because of Jesus, I can go to the Throne of Grace and he will meet me there, accept me and wrap me in his powerful arms. 

Because of Jesus' love for me, I can stand before the Father unashamed! There is no greater gift in Heaven or on Earth!

Mark 1:7-8

John the Baptist said the following as he was baptizing people in 

the Jordan River: "The real action comes next: The star in this 

drama, to whom I'm a mere stagehand, will change your life. 

I'm baptizing you here in the river, turning your  old life in for 

a kingdom life. His baptism - a holy baptism by the Holy 

Spirit - will change you from the inside out." 

Mark 1:7-8 (The Message)

And he really will change you from the inside out! In magnificent ways! Not in boring, dull ways! My life today is filled with so much joy! Sure, I have painful times, even gut-wrenching times, but in the midst of it all, I have total joy knowing that this is all temporary. 

Sure, I make mistakes - sometimes dreadful mistakes that cause me incredible angst - but, I can seek forgiveness and know I am forgiven (sometimes it's really difficult to forgive myself, though). God has made incredible changes in my heart in the past couple of years. I am not the same person I was 3 yrs ago. I am nowhere near perfect, but I am most definitely forgiven!

Numbers 14:18

"God, slow to get angry and huge in loyal love, forgiving iniquity
and rebellion and sin; Still, never just whitewashing sin. 

But extending the fallout of parents' sins to children into 

the third, even the fourth generation." 

Numbers 14:18 (The Message)

The 2nd part of this verse used to cause me so much angst. How can children be held accountable for their parents' sin?! What kind of a God would do that?! Then, I realized how true this is. Think about it - generational sins DO happen. I mean, how many children from abusive homes grow up to become abusive parents themselves? No, not every single one, but very, very many do. How many children from alcoholic families grow up to become alcoholics? A lot. How many children who have thieves or murderers for parents grow up to become thieves and murderers?

THAT is generational sin, folks. However, just because we may come from families with these issues, doesn't mean we are doomed to a life of addiction and crime. God's forgiveness, grace and mercy can set us free. If you're a Christian who has things like these in your past - ask the Lord to set you free from those past sins of your family. He can and He will do so!

My dad is a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for over 30 yrs. He's also a former smoker (something else that very often gets passed down from generation to generation). My dad is also a Christian who has sought forgiveness for his past and received it. I firmly believe that because of this, I have been set free from the possibility of being an alcoholic. Does this mean I should go out and drink as much as I want? No way! But, I can have a glass of wine and not NEED more.

I am also a former smoker, who tried again and again to stop smoking. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my son that I was finally able to break free from that - and that was because I prayed and begged God to make me get horribly sick if I ever smoked again. I tried it again after he was born and got horribly sick. God set me free! Why? Because I asked his forgiveness. 

God's love is extravagant and he is a loyal God.

Proverbs 16:6

‎"Guilt is banished through love and truth; 

Fear-of-God deflects evil." 

Proverbs 16:6 (The Message)

This reminds me of something someone very dear has had to tell me over and over again: "You cannot parent out of guilt. Use your guilt to convict you, seek forgiveness and then change, if change is needed. But, forgive yourself or it will only get worse." 

I think this can be said for any relationship that we have with anyone. Let go of guilt. It gets us nowhere. This doesn't mean we shouldn't feel CONVICTION. Conviction motivates us to make it right and change. Guilt just keeps us stuck in the same behaviors. If we believe the Evil One, we will stay stuck in that guilt-thinking of "I can't change." or "I'm a horrible mother." or "I stink at marriage." But, if we believe the Truth and if we accept the Love that God has for us... well, then we KNOW we are set free from guilt! Just admit your wrongdoing and then ask God to help you. :-)