Psalm 86:15-17

"But you, O God, are both tender and kind,

not easily angered, immense in love,

and you never, never quit.

So look me in the eye and show kindness,

give your servant the strength to go on,

save your dear, dear child!

Make a show of how much you love me

so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed,

As you, God, gently and powerfully

put me back on my feet."

Psalm 86:15-17 (The Message)

I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been reading God's word, but nothing has really jumped out at me. Tonight, as I was reading Psalms, this passage struck me. 

Things here have been a bit crazy. Ok, so to be honest, I have felt pretty hopeless when it comes to my relationship with one of my children. I am weary. So, very weary. And the question has been coming to mind, "What was God thinking by calling us to this journey?!?!" 

Then, I read this passage and I was reminded, again, that God will NEVER quit on us. He called us to this adoption journey and he won't quit on us. He will give me the strength I need to go on. He will save his dear child - and I'm not thinking of myself when I read that line. God will gently and powerfully put us all back on our feet! 

And knowing this gives me the strength to keep trying despite my wondering why I even bother sometimes. I bother because I know I'm not in this alone. I know God is with me and I know that his immense love - which is indeed, tender and kind, will get us to the finish line. He doesn't just want us to survive the next few years together - he wants our years together to be filled with abundant love. 

So, if he won't quit, neither will I. I'm just so thankful that on the days where I just can't do it anymore, he will place me back on my feet and give me strength. Thank you, Jesus!

1 Kings 8:28, 29b

"Pay attention to my prayers, 

both intercessory and personal, O God, my God.

Listen to my prayers, energetic and devout,

that I'm setting before you right now...

Listen from your home in heaven

and when you hear, forgive."

1 Kings 8:28, 29b (The Message)

Oh, how my heart and soul pray for God's action! I know I am a sinner who is in need of a Savior! I know that no matter how much I try not to, I will always sin - it's just human nature. But, I praise God that he has made a way for me to be righteous in his eyes. 

My prayers are for his forgiveness of my sins, particularly my sin of wanting to give up on certain things or people in my life. Sometimes I just get so worn out and I just need a break. And lately, a physical break just hasn't been enough to bring my heart and soul peace. I need a spiritual break. And I find that when I get into the Word. Suddenly, everything around me just ceases to be and all is quiet. I'm focused on what I'm reading and it's as if the Lord is speaking directly to me through his words. And I get the respite my soul is longing for. 

The Lord knows what my heat's desire is. He knows what my soul longs most for and I know that he is working. I know that he can bring healing to broken relationships and that he can bring restoration. He pays attention to what I pray for - no matter how many times I pray it. He listens to my cries for healing and he gives me glimpses of his work to show me that he is, indeed, working. And those glimpses, no matter how tiny they are, keep me hoping for a brighter future and trusting that complete heart healing will happen. I just need to keep putting it all into God's hands and stop trying to make healing happen. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;

don't try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;

he's the one who will keep you on track."

Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)

Right now in my life things seem pretty topsy-turvy. I don't see much hope for the future in regards to one of the relationships in my life. I don't know why we have to go through this difficult time, but what I do know is that if I stop trying to figure out why this is all happening and start listening for God's voice, I will stay on the track that God has called me to. 

While I don't know why exactly God called us to adoption, I don't believe God's intention was for our world to feel like it's falling apart. So, I fix my eyes on Jesus, trusting that he will do his good work in my family.

Luke 8:48

"Jesus said, 'Daughter, you took a risk trusting me, 

and now you're healed and whole. 

Live well, live blessed!'"

Luke 8:48 (The Message)

Jesus is talking to the woman who had suffered from a bleeding ailment for 12 years. She had reached out and touched his robe, trusting that all she needed was a little touch and she would be healed. She touched him and she was healed. The part where she was taking a risk is the fact that back then, if a woman was bleeding, she was considered unclean and was not allowed to touch anyone until she was done bleeding and had been purified. Jesus could have gotten angry with her for touching him as technically, he was now unclean himself. Instead, he healed her; he acknowledged the risk she had taken and blessed her for it. 

 

Knowing what we know about Jesus today, we know it's not risk-taking to trust him. But sometimes, the things we go through cause it to truly feel as if we are taking a risk when we trust Jesus. I know I have struggled with this in the past. It seemed everything I prayed for, the opposite happened. I prayed for a baby, and God allowed me to miscarry - eight times! I prayed for children through adoption and we hit one snag after another. I prayed for my children to be safe and one child was hit by a car. I prayed for my marriage to remain strong and our marriage nearly ended in divorce (Praise God, it didn't!). 

Needless to say, trusting Jesus became a very difficult thing for me to do.  It began to feel as if I would be taking a huge risk if I put my life into God's hands. To this day, I struggle with this. But, each day, I take a risk. I make the decision to trust God with my life and with my family. Sometimes I have a lot of fear when I do this - apparently Satan likes to use this struggle in mighty ways in my mind - but I also make the choice to believe that Jesus is stronger than Satan. So, I make a conscious decision each and every day to take the "risk" to trust Jesus. And I do feel blessed for doing so! I do feel as if I am living well when my life is in His hands! 

No, things aren't perfect. Prayers still sometimes get answered the opposite of what I pray, but instead of becoming bitter with God over this, I'm learning to trust that his ways are not my ways and that his plan is always better than my own.

Psalm 52:9, Psalm 54:1-2; Psalm 55:6-8

"I thank you always

that you went into action.

And I'll stay right here, 

your good name my hope,

in company with your faithful friends."

Psalm 52:9 (The Message)

God did go into action today! We had a very important meeting this afternoon that I have been stressing about for about a couple weeks now. All the signs pointed to a positive outcome, but you know how Satan loves to wreak havoc on our thoughts! My mind felt like it was spinning out of control!

We had hundreds of people praying for truth to prevail. Yesterday, I was reading in Psalms and read this:

"God, for your sake, help me!

Use your influence to clear me.

Listen God - I'm desperate.

Don't be too busy to hear me."

Psalm 54:1-2 (The Message)

How I clung to this passage today! My anxiety level was through the roof - I felt like I was going to pass out all day due to being unable to breathe. But, I just kept repeating this verse and remembering how many people were praying for us and for truth. 

God heard our prayers and answered them in a mighty way! I have hope for the future. And now I'm ready for what Psalm 55 talks about:

"I want some peace and quiet. 

I want a walk in the country,

I want a cabin in the woods.

I'm desperate for a change 

from rage and stormy weather."

Psalm 55:6-8 (The Message)

I know having kids who are teens/pre-teen means there will still be times of stormy weather. Shoot, just life itself brings some pretty nasty weather! But, I also know that:

"When I call to God;

God will help me.

At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh

deep sighs - he hears, he rescues.

My life is well and whole, secure 

in the middle of danger..."

Psalm 55:16-18a (The Message)

I trust in God to get my family through anything the future holds. 

Proverbs 14:25

"Souls are saved by truthful witness

and betrayed by the spread of lies."

Proverbs 14:25 (The Message)

We have some pretty scary stuff happening in our lives right now. I'm not at liberty to share what it is at this time, but suffice it to say - my anxiety level has been through the roof and I feel frozen. Despite how I've been feeling, you know what brings me joy? The fact that, in my anxiety and fear, I can turn to the Bible and the Lord touches me with what I read. 

Is the Bible relevant today? Oh! You better believe it, friends! And I am praying that my husband and I are saved by truthful witness on Friday. Everything is out of my hands. I turned to an organization for help and I am going to trust that they will help. That all this fear and anxiety will be worked out for good. That the Lord is working in this and we will get the help we need. What more can I do? God is in control and His will, will be done. Praise be to God!

Psalm 56:3-4

"When I get really afraid I come to you in trust. 

I'm proud to praise God; fearless now, 

I trust in God. What can mere mortals do?" 

Psalm 56:3-4 (The Message)

Like verse 4 says, "I'm proud to praise God." I used to be a quiet Christian. I think most of my friends growing up knew I went to church and that I believed in Jesus, but I didn't share my faith with people like I am today. I can't say I was ever 'embarrassed' to be Christian, but I certainly didn't praise God openly. Today, I'm not afraid to do this. If it causes me to lose friends, so be it. The only One who truly matters is God anyway. And I'm "fearless" when it comes to people - they might lie about me, they might physically hurt me or kill me, but they cannot take away my eternal life with Jesus. 

I put "fearless" in parenthesis because, for the most part, I am fearless when it comes to people. I'm not foolish however. I won't go walking down the street at night without my dog or my husband. I'm not going to go walking through the rougher parts of town alone. I'm not going to do foolish things that could get me hurt. Yes, I trust in God, but he also calls me to protect my life. (See my blog post from Feb. 12 regarding this statement.) 

Does fearless mean I don't get hurt - emotionally or physically? No. But, when I do get hurt, I continue to trust God because he will get me through whatever comes my way. And I will no longer be silent about my praise to the Lord. He has done marvelous things in my life and he deserves honor and praise for those things! This is why I share these thoughts with you all. To, not only share my testimony with people, but to be able to publicly give God glory. Everything I have, the person I am today, is all because of God's work he's doing within me. I can take no credit because prior to this, I didn't even want God in my life. He's the One who kept whispering to me to come back to him. And I praise Him for never giving up on me!

Psalm 55:7-8, 16,18, 23c

"I want some peace and quiet. I want a walk in the country, 

I want a cabin in the woods. I'm desperate for a change 

from rage and stormy weather... I call to God, God will help me... 

My life is well and whole, secure in the middle of danger...

And I trust in You."

Psalm 55:7-8, 16, 18, 23c (The Message)

Peace and quiet. How I need thee! I've been dealing with Mono for the last (almost) 3 months now. Having Mono keeps me pretty worn out and tired on a daily basis, so needless to say, my house is looking pretty cluttered. I haven't had energy to go anywhere. And I'm desperate for a change in my physical body. 

We just had the most mild winter we've had in a long time. The weather has been gorgeous and I've been stuck inside sleeping my days away. I could have been out hiking every day. Or mountain biking. Or doing school at the lake with the one child I home school. Instead, I've been sleeping all morning, every morning. Waking up to fix lunch, do a little bit of school with my child and then taking another nap so I have energy to get through the evening - getting dinner made, making sure homework and chores get finished. To say I'm "desperate" for a change is an understatement!

I want to go hiking. I want to go camping. I want my house to look and feel peaceful. But, this isn't to be right now. So instead, I keep calling out to God. He will help me. 

Aside from having Mono, my life is "well and whole and secure". My family is getting along better than ever. My relationship with my daughter is doing phenomenal. My boys are growing into amazing young men. My husband is taking steps to better himself, his relationship with us and his relationship with the Lord. I have no needs that aren't being met right now and my life is secure. My husband is here with us. He's not drinking, he's laughing with us. He has a job which provides for all our needs and many of our wants. My life is very, very good right now. And I'm not going to allow Mono to destroy all that. 

Most of all, I trust in God. He has a reason why he's allowing me to take so long to heal from this illness. Perhaps he wants me to focus on the relationship building that's happening in our family right now and not focus on how clean my house is. I don't know. But I do know that I trust Him. And I will continue to put my life into His loving hands, knowing that He has plans for my life.

Proverbs 1:33, 2:2-7a

"First pay attention to me [Lady Wisdom], and then relax. 

Now you can take it easy - you're in good hands." 

Proverbs 1:33 (The Message)

Ahhhh... and who wouldn't want to be able to relax and take it easy? 

"Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. 

Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. 

Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. 

Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord, 

and you will gain knowledge of God. For the Lord grants wisdom! 

From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. 

He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest...." 

Proverbs 2:2-7a (NLT)

I love the image I get in my mind when I read these verses. If I ask for wisdom, God will grant it to me. And when he grants it to me, I can relax! I can take it easy and know that God's got it all under control. I don't have to try to FIX everything. God's got it covered! I don't have to be perfect, in the world's eyes. God's got me covered. I don't have to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow. God already knows and he's got it covered! I can relax! I can let go of my worries because God's got me in the palm of his great hand and...

say it with me...

"GOD'S GOT IT COVERED!!!!"

Psalm 37:5, 7-8

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you...
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their
wicked schemes. Stop being angry! Turn from your rage!
Don't lose your temper - it only leads to harm."
Psalm 37:5, 7-8 (NLT)

This. This is what I'm trying to do with some situations in our lives. I'm trying to commit the things that are making me so angry towards some people in our lives to the Lord. I'm trying to trust in his holy plan for our lives - for my husband's life - and I'm trying not to be angry. I know this situation doesn't please the Lord, but I also know my husband has done what he can do. It is now in God's hands. And God WILL act. Maybe not in the way we'd like, but he WILL act. And when he does, I know that everything will be ok, because I trust in Him.

Psalm 33:20-22

"We're depending on God; he's everything we need. 

What's more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken 

for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you've got - 

that's what we're depending on." 

Psalm 33:20-22 (The Message)

God IS everything I need. I have many... too many... wants, but all that I need is in Him. My body can fail me. My friends can fail me. My family can fail me. If I have God, I can get through any of it.

Matthew 19:26

When Jesus said it was easier to gallop through a needle's eye than for the rich to enter God's kingdom, the disciples asked who has any chance at all, to which Jesus replied, 

"No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. 

Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it." 

Matthew 19:26

It is so comforting to know that even though *I* can't do it, *God* can - and he does!

Psalm 27:13-14

"I'm sure now I"ll see God's goodness in the exuberant earth. 

Stay with God! Take heart. Don't quit. 

I'll say it again: Stay with God." 

Psalm 27:13-14 (The Message)

Take it from someone who knows... I stayed with God through all the heartache and loss in my life and never gave up. Sure, I felt like doing so at times and at times I felt like God had abandoned me, but something deep within me kept me turning back to him. I might have gone months without praying or getting into the Word, but I still felt that still small voice within me, gently calling me back. I'm so incredibly thankful that I listened...

Exodus 14:13-14

HAHA! I love Moses' reaction to the Israelites when they were freaking out because the Egyptians were following them after they were finally allowed to leave. In The Message is says: 

"Don't be afraid. Stand firm and watch God do his work of salvation for you today.
Take a good look at the Egyptians today for you're never going to see them again.
[This is the best part...] God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!" Exodus 14:13-14

Isn't that awesome?! Yeah.. sometimes God has to tell me to keep my mouth shut too...