Psalm 82:11-13

"But my people didn't listen,

Israel paid no attention;

So I let go of the reins and told them, 'Run!

Do it your own way!'

"Oh, dear people, will you listen to me now?

Israel, will you follow my map?"

Psalm 82:11-14 (The Message)

This is one of the many things I love about God. He doesn't force us to obey him. He gave us "free-will". We can choose to follow his map for our lives or we can choose to go our own way. But, if we make the choice to go our own way, we darn well better not accuse him of wrong-doing if our way falls apart! Which it almost always will.

I went through a pretty dark period in my life where I literally told God to get his hands off of my life and leave me alone. He did. I can picture him now, taking a hands-off approach with such sadness in his eyes - knowing what pain was awaiting me. And boy! Did I go through some pain! My heart became bitter and dark. I wanted to spit when I heard praise music. I wanted to throw my Bible across the room whenever I saw it. I sat in church and went through the motions all the while accusing God of hypocrisy.

Do you see the amazing thing about this particular passage of Scripture? God let the reins go and allowed the Israelites to go their own way. And after they totally messed it all up, did he tell them he was staying away? Did he condemn them to a horrible life for their sin? No! He called them his "dear people" and asked them to follow him again. In fact, when I read this, I almost hear a sense of pleading in his tone. He was pleading with his people to come back to him! In fact, if you keep reading the rest of this Psalm, you'll see God telling the Israelites he'll take care of their enemies and give the Israelites a feast. 

He'll do that with us as well. If you've had enough of trying to live life on your terms, why don't you come back to the One who can make everything right in your life? The weight can be removed from your shoulders and you can have peace. All it takes is confessing your desire to do life on your terms and asking God to take the reins again. He will. And he will celebrate with you upon your return!

Mark 14:71-72

"Now Peter got really nervous and swore, 

'I never laid eyes on this man you're talking about.' 
Just then the rooster crowed a second time. 

Peter remembered how Jesus had said, 

'Before a rooster crows twice, you'll deny me three times.' 

He collapsed in tears." 

Mark 14:71-72 (The Message)

After I had a few miscarriages and handled each one the same way - blaming and condemning God - I vowed that if I ever had another one, I would keep my eyes on Christ and just trust in God's plan for my life. I truly wanted to handle the losses in a manner that would glorify God. 

Then I had a few more miscarriages and handled those even worse than I did the first few. I wanted so much to keep Jesus close to my heart and instead, I denied Him. I turned from Him and felt so lost and alone. 

I imagine Peter must have felt that way. I'm sure he probably considered suicide for denying the Lord. I know I did. But, Jesus forgave him - even before Peter denied him. He told Peter what that he was going to deny him but he didn't throw him out. He took Peter with him as he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. He wanted Peter there with him while his heart was so deeply troubled about what was about to happen. 

I know Jesus wanted me with him as well. It was my own actions that caused me to feel distant from the Lord. I'm sure Jesus was coming to me, saying, "What's the matter with you, Jen, that you can't stick it out with me?!" just as he did with the disciples in the garden. And no matter what I wanted to do, I simply couldn't keep my eyes on Christ in my heartache. 

Now that I've made it through that dark time in my life, I look back on how I turned from God and it causes me to weep. How things would have been different for me had I just trusted in the Lord. Had I allowed God to carry me through the heartache I was going through, instead of pushing him away, blaming him for everything. I'd say I wish I could have a do-over, but I'd really rather not have anymore miscarriages. I think I'll just confess my failure and my sadness to God and allow his forgiveness to wash over me. 

Yes, I pulled a "Peter", but like Peter, God has forgiven me and is bringing me into an even closer relationship with Him. And for that, I praise my Father in Heaven!

Romans 8:26-28

"...God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. 

If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. 

He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, 

our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, 

knows our pregnant condition [pregnant as in waiting], 

and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure 

that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." 

Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Tonight, as I vigilantly pray for a woman I know who is losing her son, I don't know how or what to pray. At our Bible study group Tuesday night, we talked about this passage in scripture and it came into my mind as I was searching for the right words to pray for my friend. And I find comfort in knowing that I don't have to use my words to pray. The Holy Spirit hears my silent moans of grief for this mother and He prays for me. For this loving family who is losing one of their own soon. 

God sees the tears I cry for a woman I have never met and he hears my heart without me even having to speak a sound. And God already knows every detail of this family's life. He is working. And what he does is good. 

I'm not saying it's good for a mother or father to lose their child. I'm not saying it's good for siblings to go through the loss of their brother. What I am saying is that... ok... I admit it... I don't know what I'm trying to say. :-( Romans 8:28 is a verse I have struggled with a lot in my life. What I've come to understand about it is that not everything that happens to us is good. But, God uses what happens to us to bring good into our lives. Perhaps we suffer in certain ways so that we can be a source of comfort when someone we know suffers. I just don't know...

I just looked up the notes for Romans 8:28 in my husband's Life Application Bible. Rather than continue to slaughter what I think God is trying to say, I'll just write what his Bible says, as it says it so much better than I ever could.

"God works in 'everything' - not just isolated incidents - for our good. 

This does not mean that all that happens to us is good. 

Evil is prevalent in our fallen world, but God is able to turn 

every circumstance around for our long-range good. 

Note that God is not working to make us happy 

but to fulfill his purpose." 

I'll just leave it at that.

Deuteronomy 7:9

"God, your God, is God indeed, a God you can depend upon." 

Deuteronomy 7:9 (The Message)

Tonight, my heart aches. A woman I have never met, but for whom I've been praying for daily, is about to experience the worst thing a mother can experience. Her young son is dying. This is incomprehensible to me. It's something that most of us mothers won't even allow ourselves to think about, but now, for this mother - it's a reality. No... it's a nightmare come true. 

I won't even pretend to try to understand this, let alone try to explain why children die. It doesn't make it any easier on the parents or family of the child to have people try to explain it. NOTHING can make the loss of your child okay. 

What I do know is this: God, OUR God, is God INDEED, a God we CAN depend upon. 

Does he answer our prayers the way we want them to be answered? Not always. But, does he give us the strength to get through whatever struggles come our way? You bet he does. We can always depend on HIM to carry us through even the most heart-wrenching of times. 

How I wish I could take this cup of suffering from this family. But, since I cannot, what I CAN do is to continue to lift them up in prayer. Will you please join me?

Proverbs 19:2

"People ruin their lives by their own stupidity, 

so why does God always get blamed?" 

Proverbs 19:2 (The Message)

So many people - myself included - blame God when we try to live life our way and it flops. Many of those people don't even claim to believe in God, yet HE gets the blame when things go wrong. I was guilty of this in the past during times when I questioned my faith. If things were going ok in my life, it was because "I" was in control. But, when things got difficult... oh my! Was I gettin' on God's case for it! 

Funny how we humans are so quick to blame God for the bad stuff, but not "blame" him for the good stuff...