Psalm 89:29-34

"I'll guarantee his family tree

and underwrite his rule.

If his children refuse to do what I tell them,

if they refuse to walk in the way I show them,

If they spit on the directions I give them

and tear up the rules I post for them - 

I'll rub their faces in the dirt of their rebellion

and make them face the music.

But I'll never throw them out,

never abandon or disown them."

Psalm 89:29-34 (The Message)

What a comforting passage! I know this was written and it was talking about David, but I believe this promise of God to "never abandon or disown them" is also meant for us. If we have accepted Christ and truly believe that he died and rose again for the payment of our sins, then God's love is with us forever. Truly, His love for us is with us even before we accept Christ, but we have to accept his love - through Jesus Christ - in order for us to KNOW his love for us. 

It is my prayer that all those in my life come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. I can't force it on anyone, but I can definitely pray for them! And I do, every day. I want my friends and loved ones who don't know the freedom that comes from having a relationship with the Lord to find that freedom. I've talked about God with so many of my friends who aren't Christian and so many of them feel that God is an angry, judgmental God when he isn't! Yes, he gets angry AT sin, but he doesn't hate the sinner! He loves the sinner and his heart aches when we refuse to follow his direction. 

If you're a parent you know what I'm talking about. You love your child no.matter.what. Do you always love their behavior? NO WAY! I can honestly say that when any one of my children blatantly and willfully rebels against us, I hate it. It breaks my heart! I literally ache for the decision that they are making at that moment. Why? Because I know when they willfully choose to rebel, they are choosing to remove themselves from God's grace. I'm still there, waiting for them to turn back to me, but oh, how my heart aches at their disobedience! 

God is the same way. He WILL allow us to "face the music" of our actions,  but will he discard us when we sin? No way! He will be there, waiting with open arms, for us to come back to him. And he will celebrate when we do. Oh, how I wish I could get certain people in my life to understand this! I think their lives would be so much richer and meaningful if they did! So, I continue to pray, trusting that seeds are planted by my words and actions and hoping that they allow the Holy Spirit to water their souls so they can blossom into beautiful children of God!

Proverbs 15:23

"Congenial conversation - what a pleasure!

The right word at the right time - beautiful!"

Proverbs 15:23 (The Message)

Congenial conversation. I've had a lot of that lately having our friends staying with us! It's been such a gift for me to have another adult woman in my home! I enjoy the conversations we have with each other because we feel the same about so many things. However, there are a couple things we don't feel the same about and before realizing we don't feel the same about them, I have opened my mouth and inserted my foot. Thankfully, my friend understands that we're not going to enjoy the same things or agree with the same thing. I just wish I'd think before I speak because I realize now that the comments I have made have been rather judgmental towards certain people. (For instance, my view on motorcycles.) 

I used to be a very judgmental person and have changed quite a bit. In fact, I thought I had gotten rid of all judgmental attitudes (except towards myself *sigh*) before realizing that I've made at least two very judgmental comments in the presence of my dear friend. And I could feel the tension when I did it. I did tell her I hoped my words didn't offend her and she said no, but this Proverb stuck out at me tonight. I guess I need to work on that judgmental attitude a bit more after all. 

Thank you, Lord, for revealing my sin to me before I cause anyone serious hurt in my home and in my life today. Help me to stop before I speak if my words have the risk to sound judgmental or may hurt someone else. May my words be pleasurable and not hurtful. 

Joshua 23:8a

"...Cling tightly to the Lord your God..." 

Joshua 23:8a (NLT)

Satan is attacking me. I've been faithful to read God's Word every day, looking for ways the Lord might be speaking to me. Silly me... I forgot that when we're following God's will for us, *that* is when Satan will attack. As I said in my last blog post, which you'll notice has been several days, I sinned in a great way against one of my children - using words that were meant to hurt. I'd been doing so well in guarding my tongue and then one day, for no real reason at all, I just snapped. Satan is sneaky. And boy - did he sneak up on me!

Since that day, I have been fighting with guilt and shame. I've felt unworthy to read my Bible. Unworthy to pray to God. Unworthy, even, to be in my own home. And you know what? That is Satan! My friends have been telling me this for days now, but I haven't been able to fight it. Finally, this evening, I realized that even if I don't feel worthy, I need to believe in the Truth of what the Bible says. And that Truth states that God loves me. That it is Jesus who makes me worthy, not any act of my own! I realized that I need to keep in the Word, even though I felt I didn't deserve to be in the Word. 

So, I opened my Bible and this verse is what I read. "Cling tightly to the Lord your God." How do I cling tightly? By continuing to read the Word despite what Satan is trying to get me to believe. By praying to God despite feeling like I'm a hypocrite. And to get myself to church despite thinking that if people there knew what I had said to my child they would throw me out in a heartbeat. I mean, seriously! We're all sinners here! My mom said it so wonderfully in an email to me the other day, "God has forgiven you so who are you not to forgive yourself?"

My therapist says, "Belief is faith. We cannot live our lives based on our feelings. We believe and then our feelings follow." (Or something like that.) So, what can I do with that? I can decide that, today, I am going to choose to believe what God's Word says - that I am forgiven and I am loved - even if my feelings don't match that Truth. 

"Lord God, thank you for forgiving me and loving me despite my sins. 

Help my feelings line up with your Truth. Amen."

Psalm 103:6-18

"God makes everything come out right;

he puts victims back on their feet.

He showed Moses how he went about his work;

opened up his plans to all Israel. 

God is sheer mercy and grace; 

not easily angered, he's rich in love.

He doesn't endlessly nag and scold,

nor hold grudges that last forever.

He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,

nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.

As high as heaven is over the earth,

so strong is his love to those who fear him.

And as far as sunrise is from sunset,

he has separated us from our sins.

As parents feel for their children,

God feels for those who fear him.

He knows us inside and out,

keeps in mind that we're made of mud.

Men and women don't live very long;

like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,

But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,

leaving nothing to show they were here.

God's love, though, is ever and always,

eternally present to all who fear him,

Making everything right for them and their children

as they follow his Covenant ways

and remember to do whatever he said."

Psalm 103:6-18 (The Message)

I sinned Friday afternoon in a pretty big way. I (emotionally) hurt one of my children and as much as I'd like to take my words back, I can't do that. As a friend said, "It's like trying to put toothpaste back into the toothpaste tube." Nothing I say is going to make a difference at this point. The only One who can fix this is God. 

I feel like ripping my heart out. It is so black with sin and I wonder if it will ever be clean. The Bible says that He "washes us white as snow" but my heart is so stained that I wonder how that can be. I think that there will always be a stain there. 

I don't ask God to make this all come out right for my sake. But for my child's sake. I don't want this child's forgiveness for me - Lord knows, I don't deserve it. I want it for the sake of my child's heart. I don't want my child to have an unforgiving, bitter heart. I've been there - it's ugly. I've seen people whose lives have been wasted by unforgiveness and I don't want this for my precious child! 

And yet, as I write this, I keep hearing this voice in my head saying, "But, if YOU don't accept my forgiveness for your sin then YOU'RE going to go right back to having that unforgiven, bitter heart yourself." I know this is the truth, and I can believe that God forgives me, but the biggest obstacle for me is forgiving MYSELF. 

"Oh Lord. help me to accept your forgiveness and your love. 

Make everything in this situation come out right. Heal hearts. 

Help everyone to forgive. Help me to accept your forgiveness. 

Help my child to accept my repentant heart. 

Put my child back on their feet. 

Help this child to see and feel Your love, 

as well as my own love.

And help ME to forgive myself - 

despite my feeling so unworthy."

Proverbs 10:8

"A wise heart takes orders; an empty head will come unglued." 

Proverbs 10:8 (The Message)

Ok, so it's true confession time. I am a person filled with pride. Not in all things. In fact, if you were to ask my therapist she'd say, "Jen? Prideful? She needs to think 'higher' of herself!" But, there is one area, in specific, where I really suffer with pride. And that area is taking orders. I become like an empty-headed teenager when someone tells me what to do. It'd be comical if it wasn't so horrible. 

Just today, I was already going to do something, but when someone told me to do the exact same thing I was already going to do - and not in a demanding way, but in a "let me ask you nicely" way - my teenage rebellious side kicked in and I found myself getting grouchy and wanting to snap back, "No! I'm not going to do that now that you asked me to!" 

Seriously!? What's that all about?! 

I often feel like the child in the book "Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle" who says, "I'm doing it because I want to, not because you told me to!" 

*sigh*

Yes, I still have a long ways to go before I am mature... Oh Lord, give me a wise heart that is able to accept correction and direction.

Psalm 51:4-6

"You're the One I've violated, and you've seen it all, 

seen the full extent of my evil. You have all the facts before you; 

whatever you decide about me is fair. I've been out of step 

with you for a long time, in the wrong since before I was born. 

What you're after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; 

conceive a new, true life." 

Psalm 51:4-6 (The Message)

In church this past Sunday, our guest pastor talked about sin; a topic many churches fail to talk about much these days. No one wants to be reminded of their sin. Don't we go to church to hear how God's grace covers our sin? But, you know what? We DO need to be reminded of our sin! 

This pastor talked about getting specific with our sin. How often do we pray and ask God to "forgive all our sins we committed this day", but then we don't list any of them? If we don't acknowledge exactly how it is we have sinned against God, how can we show deep conviction to turn away from that sin? Are we really showing God how truly repentant we are when we just say "forgive my sins" or do we show how much our heart grieves us due to our specific sin when we just do a blanket covering like that? 

Some would argue: Well, this passage says that God has seen it all. So, why do I need to list it all for him? Because when we state specifically HOW we have sinned, we can then show true Godly sorrow and repentance. 

I mean really... how long has it been since you've truly searched your heart and looked at each specific way that you sin and bring those things directly before God? I know for me it had been a LONG time. I was so thankful that church ended with communion with a time of reflection before receiving the body and blood of Christ. I used that time of reflection to truly search my heart and I felt so cleansed after receiving communion. 

We can't hide from God, so we might as well own up to all our sins (call it what it is. It's not a mistake. It's not a wrong. It is ugly SIN.) and then repent (which means "to turn away from") of our sins and receive God's Holy forgiveness. Let me tell you, I felt like a yoke had been lifted from my shoulders and I literally feel lighter today. Praise God!