Proverbs 20:6, 9

"Lots of people claim to be loyal and loving,

but where on earth can you find one?...

For who among us can be trusted

to be always diligent and honest?"

Proverbs 20:6, 9 (The Message)

Today I was betrayed by someone I had hoped would never betray me. I'm still a bit shell-shocked by it all, but a dear friend reminded me that the only person who will never betray us or break our trust is God. I have a decision to make and it's not an easy one. Do I continue in a relationship with this person or do I walk away? I simply do not know. 

I was so torn earlier today about this. My mind wouldn't stop racing with questions about what to do. What ifs were all over the place in my head. So, I drove up to the top of a mountain near where we live, found a secluded spot, rolled the windows down and spent some time with the Lord. 

I was listening to some music when I looked down and saw a Bible on the floor of the car. So, I got it out and started reading in Psalms. Then, I remembered that I downloaded a Bible app for my phone, so I got that out and searched for verses about betrayal. I read a few of those. I decided I wanted to sing a bit, so I got out my "Until the End of the World" soundtrack CD and listened to one of my favorite songs, "Calling All Angels" by Jane Siberry a few times, singing along with it without a care in the world because I knew no one was around to hear me. (Ok, maybe my singing is why Bigfoot didn't get me as one of my boys always warns me about him when I go off into the woods alone...) I ended my time with purging all my racing thoughts and hurt to the Lord. 

I felt the Lord telling me to just STOP, be still and LISTEN. So, I did. I sat there listening to the wind gently blow through the leaves until I felt the Lord telling me that it was OK. I didn't have to make any decisions right then. I could simply wait. So, that's what I'm doing. I don't know what the future holds for my relationship with this person. But, I do know that the Lord will never forsake me. My trust is in Him - not in human fallibility. And for tonight - that is enough. I'm simply going to basque in the peace the Lord has filled me with and rest.

1 Kings 19:11-12

"A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains 

and shattered the rocks before God, 

but God wasn't to be found in the wind; 

after the wind an earthquake,

but God wasn't in the earthquake; 

and after the earthquake fire,

but God wasn't in the fire; 

and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper."

1 Kings 19:11-12 (The Message)

A couple different things struck me when I was reading these verses:

First, God doesn't always show himself in big, attention-getting ways. In fact, he rarely shows himself in these ways. When he speaks to us, it is usually in his still, small voice. It's easy to think God isn't working if we don't see huge, miraculous changes in our lives, but God doesn't always work that way. Sure, he can, but he wants us to be listening for his voice so I believe that's why he chooses to speak to us in whispers more often than not.

We are often looking for God to work wonders for us instead of sitting there listening for his quiet voice to guide us. This reminds me of the story of the man who is in a flood. He climbs to his rooftop to wait for God to rescue him. A man in a boat comes and tells him to climb in and he'd bring him to safety. The man on the roof waves him off and says, "I'm trusting God to rescue me!" Then, a helicopter flies up and they call to him to grab the ladder and they'd fly him to safety. The man declines, again saying, "I'm trusting God to rescue me!" Finally all the rescue efforts are over and the man drowns wondering why God hadn't rescued him. Is that crazy, or what?!

Pay attention for the quiet ways God works in your life. Too many times we don't see them until we look at our past and then see the gentle ways God was working. But, if we take the time to stop and listen for him, we'll see that he is here with us, guiding us in our everyday lives.

The other thing that struck me while reading these verses was that God works even in the midst of turmoil. Everything around us may be going crazy - we may feel like our lives are swirling around like a crazy hurricane or things are falling down around us as if we were in an earthquake - but if we take time to really listen for God's voice, we will hear it. In times of crisis it's so easy to think God isn't there because we can't hear him. But, if we stop and try to drown out the chaos, we might be able to hear his voice. No... we will be able to hear his voice. 

Things in my life have been so insanely crazy lately. Today was one horrible day for me. It would have been so easy to not take the time to listen for God and just let my emotions run wild, but I took 30 minutes out of the chaos to go into my bedroom, shut the door, put on my headphones and listen to a meditation I have for healing from grief. During that time, I was able to see Jesus and feel his healing hand on my heart. I was able to allow God to stop the craziness and hear the Lord speak calm into my heart. Did he literally "speak" to me? No, but I felt his still, small voice telling me that everything is going to be ok with me and my family. 

Take the time to read God's word and meditate on it - especially when you're going through  a hard time. That's when we really need to lean on the Lord and he will be there for us if we go to him. Never stop listening for his gentle and quiet whisper.

Psalm 73:21-26

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter,

and I was all torn up inside.

I was so foolish and ignorant - 

I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.

Yet I still belong to you;

you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

leading me to a glorious destiny.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

he is mine forever."

Psalm 73:21-26 (NLT)

Oh boy - do I know the pang of bitterness! The psalmist gets it right when he says he was "all torn up inside". That's exactly how it feels. You know what you're feeling is wrong, but the more you try to fight it, the worse the bitterness becomes. It gets so strong you can taste it. And the thoughts it leaves you thinking; the feelings it leaves you feeling... well... it's like you're being taken over by the bitterness monster of stench. And you can't just wash it off of yourself. 

Yet, despite how bitter my heart was becoming, God still claimed me for his own. He still guided me, when I would let him, to what I'm trusting will be a glorious destiny. God never gave up on me during that time of bitterness. People did. People I never thought would leave my side left me standing with my mouth gaping open in shock. But, the Lord my God, never, ever left me. Oh - I left him for a time, but he was always there, waiting ever-so patiently for me to return to him. 

People may fail me. My own mind and body may fail me. But, my God "remains the strength of my heart." He is mine forever. And no one can take him away from me. My Lord, My God - I do desire you more than anything on earth!

1 Kings 8:28, 29b

"Pay attention to my prayers, 

both intercessory and personal, O God, my God.

Listen to my prayers, energetic and devout,

that I'm setting before you right now...

Listen from your home in heaven

and when you hear, forgive."

1 Kings 8:28, 29b (The Message)

Oh, how my heart and soul pray for God's action! I know I am a sinner who is in need of a Savior! I know that no matter how much I try not to, I will always sin - it's just human nature. But, I praise God that he has made a way for me to be righteous in his eyes. 

My prayers are for his forgiveness of my sins, particularly my sin of wanting to give up on certain things or people in my life. Sometimes I just get so worn out and I just need a break. And lately, a physical break just hasn't been enough to bring my heart and soul peace. I need a spiritual break. And I find that when I get into the Word. Suddenly, everything around me just ceases to be and all is quiet. I'm focused on what I'm reading and it's as if the Lord is speaking directly to me through his words. And I get the respite my soul is longing for. 

The Lord knows what my heat's desire is. He knows what my soul longs most for and I know that he is working. I know that he can bring healing to broken relationships and that he can bring restoration. He pays attention to what I pray for - no matter how many times I pray it. He listens to my cries for healing and he gives me glimpses of his work to show me that he is, indeed, working. And those glimpses, no matter how tiny they are, keep me hoping for a brighter future and trusting that complete heart healing will happen. I just need to keep putting it all into God's hands and stop trying to make healing happen. 

Psalm 66:8-12

"Bless our God, O peoples!

Give him a thunderous welcome!

Didn't he set us on the road to life?

Didn't he keep us out of the ditch?

He trained us first,

passed us like silver through refining fires,

Brought us into hardscrabble country,

pushed us to our very limit,

Road-tested us inside and out,

took us to hell and back;

Finally he brought us

to this well-watered place."

Psalm 66:8-12 (The Message)

Anyone who knows anything about my life knows that I have been through a refining fire. I've often been heard repeating myself, "I think God put me in the fire and then walked away forgetting about me, like I forget about a pot of boiling water on the stove." While I know this isn't the way God works, this sure felt true to me at times!

Some days I feel like I don't have it in me to get through another issue. But, then God gives me the strength to do what needs to be done. Believe me when I say I've been through hell and back. But, also believe me when I say that God has, indeed, brought me to a well-watered place. Things are still incredibly rough in my life, but the more I lean on Christ, the more at peace I become. It's as if I am sitting on a rock in the middle of a raging river, but all around me is peaceful water. I breathe in God's peace and I know it will all be ok. That God is working and his will is for my life to be whole - with him as the head, it IS whole. I give him thunderous praise!