Psalm 73:21-26

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter,

and I was all torn up inside.

I was so foolish and ignorant - 

I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.

Yet I still belong to you;

you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

leading me to a glorious destiny.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

he is mine forever."

Psalm 73:21-26 (NLT)

Oh boy - do I know the pang of bitterness! The psalmist gets it right when he says he was "all torn up inside". That's exactly how it feels. You know what you're feeling is wrong, but the more you try to fight it, the worse the bitterness becomes. It gets so strong you can taste it. And the thoughts it leaves you thinking; the feelings it leaves you feeling... well... it's like you're being taken over by the bitterness monster of stench. And you can't just wash it off of yourself. 

Yet, despite how bitter my heart was becoming, God still claimed me for his own. He still guided me, when I would let him, to what I'm trusting will be a glorious destiny. God never gave up on me during that time of bitterness. People did. People I never thought would leave my side left me standing with my mouth gaping open in shock. But, the Lord my God, never, ever left me. Oh - I left him for a time, but he was always there, waiting ever-so patiently for me to return to him. 

People may fail me. My own mind and body may fail me. But, my God "remains the strength of my heart." He is mine forever. And no one can take him away from me. My Lord, My God - I do desire you more than anything on earth!

1 Samuel 1:15-16

"...I'm a woman hard used. I haven't been drinking...

The only thing I've been pouring out is my heart,

pouring it out to God.

Don't for a minute think I'm a bad woman.

It's because I'm so desperately unhappy 

and in such pain that I've stayed here so long."
1 Samuel 1:15-16 (The Message)

I've been stuck in my reading of the Old Testament ever since I got to 1 Samuel. This is such a difficult book for me to read. I find solace in this book. But, I also find bitterness in my heart when I read this book. Haven't I cried out to God for a baby? Why did God answer Hannah's prayer, but not my own? What have I done wrong? Is my faith not strong enough? Is my worship not good enough? 

No, God hasn't answered the cry of my heart by blessing me with another baby. But, what he has done is given me peace about it. Sure, I have days - like today - where my heart aches to have a baby of my own. But, despite that ache - which may or may not always be there - I have a sense of peace. 

My self-worth isn't determined by how many children I have. My salvation isn't determined by how many "arrows" are in my "quiver". I am loved by God simply because He created me. I have salvation in Christ simply because I believe that He died on the cross for ME. And this is enough for me. If I had no spouse, if I had no children, I would still be a beloved daughter of the King. And that is what brings me joy. That is what eases my pain. I stayed with the Lord long enough that he was able to heal my aching heart and show me what is truly important. 

Praise be to God!