Proverbs 18:14

"The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness,
But who can bear a broken spirit?"

Proverbs 18:14 (NKJV)

I have spent the last 5 years going through one medical issue after another. Miscarriage (after several weeks of bedrest), asthma issues, another miscarriage (after a couple months of bedrest), dislocated knee, torn cartilage in my wrist (which required surgery), depression and mono are just some of the things I've had to deal with. As difficult as it's been to deal with one thing after another, I have maintained a good spirit. I was able to function (except for some rough times after the miscarriages) and do what needed to be done. 

But, give me a broken spirit and just getting out of bed is a battle for me. It feels like a heavy weight is on my chest and my body weighs 500 pounds. Keeping my eyes open is a battle; I find myself falling asleep two, sometimes three times a day. Fixing dinner for my family is a chore I can't even get my brain to wrap around, let alone grocery shopping for them. 

I can't seem to beat this broken spirit. 

But, I know who can. Almighty God. While I may struggle to get daily living things done, there is one thing I can do - and that is to read God's Word. In fact, it's the one thing I truly hunger for these days. Even if I don't feel like I have it in me to open it up, I wind up with it sitting open my desk, bent over reading as much of it as I can, soaking it up and waiting to hear God's voice in what I read.

It's as if I'm sitting in the lap of my Father, his arms wrapped around me and I can finally relax. My body is tense every time I check on it. But, when I'm reading the Word or meditating on his Name, my body relaxes completely. He is a balm to my soul. I cling to these moments throughout the day. When my muscles ache from being so incredibly tense, I open to Psalms and soak up the words of the psalmist. I close my eyes and just rest in the words that I've read. 

I can't bear this broken spirit. But, God can. And he is carrying me through this time and is giving me the strength I need to get through each day. Praise be to God!

New King James Version (NKJV) Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Mark 8:34

"'Anyone who intends to come with me [Jesus] has to let me lead. 

You're not in the driver's seat. I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. 

Follow me and I'll show you how.'" 

Mark 8:34 (The Message)

Reminds me of the bumper stickers I've seen where it says, "God is my co-pilot." No he's not! He is your pilot! The times I've tried to control my own life I have been left feeling lost. God is the One who shows me the way. 

What about this "embrace suffering"? Sounds kind of masochistic, doesn't it? Jesus isn't telling us we need to ENJOY suffering, he is saying that when suffering comes, you don't have to be afraid because we know what the end is going to be like. I can suffer and survive in this life, because this life is but a blink in comparison to the eternity that awaits me. An eternity of no suffering! No pain! No tears!

It reminds me of FlyLady when she says, "You can do anything for 15 minutes." I can suffer in this lifetime, because in the grand scheme of things, this lifetime is about the equivalent to 15 minutes. I can take pain - so long as I know it's going to end. Sort of like child birth. If we went by the pain level, we'd only give birth once. But, we know the pain is going to end and when it does end, we'll be holding a precious little bundle of joy! A gift of life!

Well, the same is true of our eternity. We, Christians, can survive the pain of this life, because we know a precious gift is waiting for us on the other side! Cling to that and we can get through any heart-ache in this life.

Romans 8:26-28

"...God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. 

If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. 

He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, 

our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, 

knows our pregnant condition [pregnant as in waiting], 

and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure 

that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." 

Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Tonight, as I vigilantly pray for a woman I know who is losing her son, I don't know how or what to pray. At our Bible study group Tuesday night, we talked about this passage in scripture and it came into my mind as I was searching for the right words to pray for my friend. And I find comfort in knowing that I don't have to use my words to pray. The Holy Spirit hears my silent moans of grief for this mother and He prays for me. For this loving family who is losing one of their own soon. 

God sees the tears I cry for a woman I have never met and he hears my heart without me even having to speak a sound. And God already knows every detail of this family's life. He is working. And what he does is good. 

I'm not saying it's good for a mother or father to lose their child. I'm not saying it's good for siblings to go through the loss of their brother. What I am saying is that... ok... I admit it... I don't know what I'm trying to say. :-( Romans 8:28 is a verse I have struggled with a lot in my life. What I've come to understand about it is that not everything that happens to us is good. But, God uses what happens to us to bring good into our lives. Perhaps we suffer in certain ways so that we can be a source of comfort when someone we know suffers. I just don't know...

I just looked up the notes for Romans 8:28 in my husband's Life Application Bible. Rather than continue to slaughter what I think God is trying to say, I'll just write what his Bible says, as it says it so much better than I ever could.

"God works in 'everything' - not just isolated incidents - for our good. 

This does not mean that all that happens to us is good. 

Evil is prevalent in our fallen world, but God is able to turn 

every circumstance around for our long-range good. 

Note that God is not working to make us happy 

but to fulfill his purpose." 

I'll just leave it at that.

Deuteronomy 7:9

"God, your God, is God indeed, a God you can depend upon." 

Deuteronomy 7:9 (The Message)

Tonight, my heart aches. A woman I have never met, but for whom I've been praying for daily, is about to experience the worst thing a mother can experience. Her young son is dying. This is incomprehensible to me. It's something that most of us mothers won't even allow ourselves to think about, but now, for this mother - it's a reality. No... it's a nightmare come true. 

I won't even pretend to try to understand this, let alone try to explain why children die. It doesn't make it any easier on the parents or family of the child to have people try to explain it. NOTHING can make the loss of your child okay. 

What I do know is this: God, OUR God, is God INDEED, a God we CAN depend upon. 

Does he answer our prayers the way we want them to be answered? Not always. But, does he give us the strength to get through whatever struggles come our way? You bet he does. We can always depend on HIM to carry us through even the most heart-wrenching of times. 

How I wish I could take this cup of suffering from this family. But, since I cannot, what I CAN do is to continue to lift them up in prayer. Will you please join me?

Deuteronomy 4:29-31

"...if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, 

looking for him with your whole heart and soul.  

When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, 

in future days you will come back to God, your God, 

and listen obediently to what he says. [emphasis mine] 

God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. 

In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin..." 

Deuteronomy 4:29-31 (The Message)

I bolded the above sentence because this verse really stuck out with me when I read this. This is part of why I haven't written in the last few days. I've just been mulling this verse over in my mind and haven't been able to figure out what to say, yet having so much I need to say about this verse. I finally decided the best way to figure out what to say is to just start writing. So, here I am, hoping the Lord helps me get my thoughts to straighten out as I go. :-)

"When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, 

in future days you will come back to God, 

your God and listen obediently to what he says." 

*insert sigh of relief here*

So, all the times I've had some awful times come my way He KNEW I was going to wander from Him and go through a period of "slavery" to my troubles, yet He ALSO knew I would come back to him. And ever better, He would meet me with compassion and not condemnation? He would be there for me and not abandon me? 

The picture this paints for me is so overwhelming that words can't even describe what I'm thinking and feeling right now. (And have been thinking and feeling for several days now.) 

That God knew that I would blame Him. I would even feel hatred towards Him, yet He still felt compassion for me during that time... well... that just blows my mind. 

I pretty much turned from God after my loss of Trystan (my 7th miscarriage). Bitterness entered my heart and I couldn't even sing in church. I went (sometimes) because I wasn't about to turn my family away from God. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I also felt so powerless to stop it. I wanted to scream at God. I wanted Him to explain to me WHY He kept taking my babies from me. 

Oh, people told me God NEEDED my babies more than I did. No, he didn't! God doesn't NEED anything or anybody! And He certainly didn't NEED my babies! I had people tell me all sorts of platitudes - none of which made me feel better. And I just wanted to feel better! I wanted to know WHY! 

No one could tell me why and God certainly wasn't answering, so why should "I" give "him" the time of day?! Especially when He had to have known, yet another, loss would cause me to turn from my faith. He must have WANTED me to leave His side. So, I'd do Him a favor and leave Him alone.And I did. 

I stopped praying. I stopped reading my Bible. I would come up with any excuse I could not to have to go to church. And if I wasn't able to get out of it, I'd go through the motions, but inside I felt dead. I wasn't going to sing praise songs to a God who stole my babies from me. I wasn't going to pray to a God who seemed to answer all my prayers the opposite of what I asked for. I wasn't going to listen to a person preach about a God who THEY claimed was full of mercy and grace, when I sure didn't see His "amazing" mercy and grace in my life! 

But, then I kept hearing this still, small voice calling me back. I'd catch myself praying during the day and have to literally remind myself that I wasn't going to pray to THAT God anymore, so I'd stop. I'd talk to a friend who was going through a hard time and the next thing I knew, I was looking up a Bible verse to share with them and then remember I wasn't "supposed" to be doing that. Oh, I was in full-on rebellion all right!

Then my husband and I went on a retreat for people who have gone through the loss of their babies. I'll write more about that retreat another time, I'm sure, but tonight, I just want to say that this retreat caused me to come back to God, just as this passage talks about. When troubles came, I turned my back on God. But, "in future days" I came back to Him. And I'm trying to listen obediently to what He says.

I may never know why my babies had to die in my womb. But, you know what I do know? I know that God IS a compassionate God. I know that God DIDN'T abandon me. I know that God DIDN'T bring me to ruin. And yes... I know that God STILL loves me.

Matthew 26:39

"...He fell on his face, praying, 'My Father, if there is any way, 

get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what 

do YOU want?'" Matthew 26:39 (The Message)

In Matthew 26 Jesus goes to the Garden of Gethsemane to pray. It is while he is there that we see that Jesus is suffering because he knew he was about to die a violent and horrible death. I believe he was feeling raw fear here. This just proves to me that Jesus knew all our emotions and he knew fear quite well. 

Why was he afraid when he knew what the final outcome was going to be? Because he was here as the SON of God. At this point, he was human and despite having the ability to make all his suffering stop, he continued on because he knew it was God's will and he knew that his suffering would cause all who believe in him to have life eternal with God in Heaven. 

Why do "I" get afraid when I know what the final outcome is for my life? Because "I" am human and I don't have the ability to make it all stop. But, I believe in a powerful God who will give me the strength to face whatever I need to face in this life. 

Now to remember this the next time I'm faced with with a situation that brings me fear...

Matthew 16:24-26

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in 

the driver's seat; *I* am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me 

and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the 

way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is 

it to get everything you want but lose yourself? 

What could you ever trade your soul for?" 

Matthew 16:24-26 (The Message)

I think many people take this verse to mean that, as Christians, we're supposed to be door-mats. I believe this line of thinking is entirely false. 

Self-sacrifice leads us to finding our true selves. When we know WHOSE we are, we know he would never call us to be in abusive situations. Being with someone who is abusive actually causes us to LOSE ourselves. Knowing WHOSE we are, we know we are sons and daughters of the Living King and what decent king would sit back and tell his children to allow themselves to be abused? Certainly not God, the Father! 

Does this verse then, mean we aren't to have boundaries with people? That we are to continue to let them hurt us over and over and over again? Absolutely not! Again, when we know WHOSE we are, we find our true selves and we realize that we can set healthy boundaries WITH LOVE.

Self-sacrifice means giving up the things we want - NOT the things we need. Yes, sometimes we're called to give up our shoes or our coats, but more than likely, we don't really NEED those things anyway? How many of us don't have an extra pair of shoes or another coat at home? 

Self-sacrifice is sacrificing that dinner out so that I can buy the homeless lady I saw down the street some decent food. Self-sacrifice is stopping to give an elderly lady a ride in the snow even though that means my kids might have to wait a little bit longer for me to pick them up from school. Self-sacrifice doesn't mean sacrificing my safety at the hands (or the mouths) of abusive people.

Ok, getting off my soapbox now...