Psalm 86:15-17

"But you, O God, are both tender and kind,

not easily angered, immense in love,

and you never, never quit.

So look me in the eye and show kindness,

give your servant the strength to go on,

save your dear, dear child!

Make a show of how much you love me

so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed,

As you, God, gently and powerfully

put me back on my feet."

Psalm 86:15-17 (The Message)

I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been reading God's word, but nothing has really jumped out at me. Tonight, as I was reading Psalms, this passage struck me. 

Things here have been a bit crazy. Ok, so to be honest, I have felt pretty hopeless when it comes to my relationship with one of my children. I am weary. So, very weary. And the question has been coming to mind, "What was God thinking by calling us to this journey?!?!" 

Then, I read this passage and I was reminded, again, that God will NEVER quit on us. He called us to this adoption journey and he won't quit on us. He will give me the strength I need to go on. He will save his dear child - and I'm not thinking of myself when I read that line. God will gently and powerfully put us all back on our feet! 

And knowing this gives me the strength to keep trying despite my wondering why I even bother sometimes. I bother because I know I'm not in this alone. I know God is with me and I know that his immense love - which is indeed, tender and kind, will get us to the finish line. He doesn't just want us to survive the next few years together - he wants our years together to be filled with abundant love. 

So, if he won't quit, neither will I. I'm just so thankful that on the days where I just can't do it anymore, he will place me back on my feet and give me strength. Thank you, Jesus!

Proverbs 18:14

"The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness,
But who can bear a broken spirit?"

Proverbs 18:14 (NKJV)

I have spent the last 5 years going through one medical issue after another. Miscarriage (after several weeks of bedrest), asthma issues, another miscarriage (after a couple months of bedrest), dislocated knee, torn cartilage in my wrist (which required surgery), depression and mono are just some of the things I've had to deal with. As difficult as it's been to deal with one thing after another, I have maintained a good spirit. I was able to function (except for some rough times after the miscarriages) and do what needed to be done. 

But, give me a broken spirit and just getting out of bed is a battle for me. It feels like a heavy weight is on my chest and my body weighs 500 pounds. Keeping my eyes open is a battle; I find myself falling asleep two, sometimes three times a day. Fixing dinner for my family is a chore I can't even get my brain to wrap around, let alone grocery shopping for them. 

I can't seem to beat this broken spirit. 

But, I know who can. Almighty God. While I may struggle to get daily living things done, there is one thing I can do - and that is to read God's Word. In fact, it's the one thing I truly hunger for these days. Even if I don't feel like I have it in me to open it up, I wind up with it sitting open my desk, bent over reading as much of it as I can, soaking it up and waiting to hear God's voice in what I read.

It's as if I'm sitting in the lap of my Father, his arms wrapped around me and I can finally relax. My body is tense every time I check on it. But, when I'm reading the Word or meditating on his Name, my body relaxes completely. He is a balm to my soul. I cling to these moments throughout the day. When my muscles ache from being so incredibly tense, I open to Psalms and soak up the words of the psalmist. I close my eyes and just rest in the words that I've read. 

I can't bear this broken spirit. But, God can. And he is carrying me through this time and is giving me the strength I need to get through each day. Praise be to God!

New King James Version (NKJV) Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Psalm 66:8-12

"Bless our God, O peoples!

Give him a thunderous welcome!

Didn't he set us on the road to life?

Didn't he keep us out of the ditch?

He trained us first,

passed us like silver through refining fires,

Brought us into hardscrabble country,

pushed us to our very limit,

Road-tested us inside and out,

took us to hell and back;

Finally he brought us

to this well-watered place."

Psalm 66:8-12 (The Message)

Anyone who knows anything about my life knows that I have been through a refining fire. I've often been heard repeating myself, "I think God put me in the fire and then walked away forgetting about me, like I forget about a pot of boiling water on the stove." While I know this isn't the way God works, this sure felt true to me at times!

Some days I feel like I don't have it in me to get through another issue. But, then God gives me the strength to do what needs to be done. Believe me when I say I've been through hell and back. But, also believe me when I say that God has, indeed, brought me to a well-watered place. Things are still incredibly rough in my life, but the more I lean on Christ, the more at peace I become. It's as if I am sitting on a rock in the middle of a raging river, but all around me is peaceful water. I breathe in God's peace and I know it will all be ok. That God is working and his will is for my life to be whole - with him as the head, it IS whole. I give him thunderous praise!

Psalm 61:1-4

"O God, listen to my cry!

Hear my prayer! 

From the ends of the earth, 

I cry to you for help

when my heart is overwhelmed.

Lead me to the towering rock of safety,

for you are my safe refuge,

a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.

Let me live forever in your sanctuary, 

safe beneath the shelter of your wings!"

Psalm 61:1-4 (NLT)

Some days life is just plain overwhelming. Everything feels like it's bombarding me and I can't seem to catch a break. Do you ever have days like that? 

In the past, I have attempted to handle these days on my own. I often think God is too busy for my piddly little problems. He has more important things to worry about. But, then he gently reminds me that he cares for the sparrows, so he cares that much more for me and my problems. 

Where is God's sanctuary? Where is the towering rock of safety? Or the safe refuge? The Word of God. When life doesn't stop coming at me full throttle - when I become so overwhelmed that I can't make a decision - I turn to God's Word for direction. Always, I am reminded that God is my strength. And when I cry out to him, he helps me. Oh, he doesn't fix all the issues in my life, but he gives me the strength to tackle each one, one at a time. When I go to God, I am "safe beneath the shelter of His wings!"

Proverbs 16:9

"We plan the way we want to live, 

but only God makes us able to live it."

Proverbs 16:9 (The Message)

Did you have specific plans for your life as a child? I did. I was going to grow up, get married and be a mom (I never really worried about how many kids I was going to have, I just knew I would have kids). I also wanted to be a teacher. Growing up, I never really thought I'd adopt, but once I got married and became stronger in my faith, I knew I wanted to. As a mom (of both biological and adoptive children) who home schools one of her kids (and soon to be more), I'm pretty much doing what I planned on doing all my life. :-)

What I didn't plan on was being the mom of 10 children, but only getting to see and hold 3 of them. Our plan to adopt was when our biological son was older, but having 8 babies born straight to heaven changed that plan. Actually, it was after the third baby went to heaven, that we decided to adopt. I also didn't plan on my husband, who had years of sobriety, drinking again. And I didn't plan on severe depression entering my life. 

What I did plan on was having God by my side. And, while there have been times I've felt abandoned by God, I believe with all my heart that he has always been here with me. It is his strength who has gotten me through all the unplanned things in my life. It is his love which has brought me out of depression and back into the Light. It is his healing that is getting my husband back on the wagon. And it is his grace that has allowed us to have the three beautiful, wonderful children we have here on earth today. 

Sure, in all honesty, there are some things I wish I didn't have to go through in this life. However, I truly wouldn't change the things that got me to where I am today. I have a beautiful life! It's been a difficult life, to be sure, but it is a beautiful life, nonetheless. Things didn't go as I planned, but God made a way for me to live as close to the life I had planned as I can today. I am so incredibly blessed!

Deuteronomy 31:6

"Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. 

Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, 

is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. 

He won't let you down; he won't leave you." 

Deuteronomy 31:6 (The Message)

Have you ever been afraid? I mean, really afraid? Where the panic sets in, you can't breathe, and the room starts spinning, afraid? That has got to be the worst feeling in the world. Especially when you don't even know what you're afraid of. The panic just takes over and all you can feel is fear. 

I've had to do some things in the last few years that have been terrifying for me. Therapy forces you to look at the dark places in your life; places that you've been trying to hide from for a long time, years sometimes. Decades even. It's terrifying to go to those places. I've run from it at times. I've refused to talk about it at times. I've regretted opening my mouth about certain things from my past. But, the thing that has gotten me through it all is this verse. (Only I usually sing the song I taught my kids for this verse "Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged. For the Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go.") 

When I remember to be strong. When my therapist reminds me that the past can't hurt me anymore. When I can look fear in the face and know that God is going ahead of me through this dark place, bringing Light unto it, then I can face the fear and do what I need to do. I'm still trying to get to the place where I don't give it a second thought, but hey - I'm a work in progress. :-) 

I don't have to be afraid of the people who hurt me when I was a child. I don't have to be intimidated by the group I was in as a teen. They can't touch me anymore. God is with me and with his strength, with his courage, I can have healing in my life. And God will not let me down. He will be by my side through the entire process. Thanks be to God!

Deuteronomy 7:9

"God, your God, is God indeed, a God you can depend upon." 

Deuteronomy 7:9 (The Message)

Tonight, my heart aches. A woman I have never met, but for whom I've been praying for daily, is about to experience the worst thing a mother can experience. Her young son is dying. This is incomprehensible to me. It's something that most of us mothers won't even allow ourselves to think about, but now, for this mother - it's a reality. No... it's a nightmare come true. 

I won't even pretend to try to understand this, let alone try to explain why children die. It doesn't make it any easier on the parents or family of the child to have people try to explain it. NOTHING can make the loss of your child okay. 

What I do know is this: God, OUR God, is God INDEED, a God we CAN depend upon. 

Does he answer our prayers the way we want them to be answered? Not always. But, does he give us the strength to get through whatever struggles come our way? You bet he does. We can always depend on HIM to carry us through even the most heart-wrenching of times. 

How I wish I could take this cup of suffering from this family. But, since I cannot, what I CAN do is to continue to lift them up in prayer. Will you please join me?

Matthew 19:26

When Jesus said it was easier to gallop through a needle's eye than for the rich to enter God's kingdom, the disciples asked who has any chance at all, to which Jesus replied, 

"No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. 

Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it." 

Matthew 19:26

It is so comforting to know that even though *I* can't do it, *God* can - and he does!