Psalm 77:11-12

"Once again I'll go over what God has done,

lay out on the table the ancient wonders;

I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,

and give a long, loving look at your acts."

Psalm 77:11-12 (The Message)

If you read this entire Psalm, you'll see that Asaph is feeling like God has abandoned him. His friends tried to tell him that everything would be ok, but he didn't believe them. He can't sleep. His life feels like it's fallen apart. Sounds a bit like he's down in the dumps, maybe even in full-on depression, doesn't it?

These two verses are key to what we need to do when we feel depressed. We don't need to give in to the depression - we need to think about the things that God has already done in our own lives. If that doesn't work, meditate on the things God did in the Bible. The miraculous ways he worked and the small ways he worked. Make a list of the things he has done. Read it daily. Hourly, if need be. 

For many who are feeling depressed this will be enough. For some, it may not be. You might have a chemical imbalance that requires some sort of medication. But, don't just medicate yourself and expect to get better. Get on some medication, if that's what you need, then think about all the ways God has worked in your life. Write them down in a notebook and read the Bible, specifically looking for ways God has worked in the lives of our ancestors. If you need someone to talk to, find a good, Christian counselor. I'll even go so far as to say, find a secular counselor if you need it. I've used both secular and Christian counselors and have gotten so much help from both. Just please, make sure a secular counselor will support you in your faith-walk with Christ. Some won't. And I believe we can't get true healing from depression without God.

Above all, ponder the things God has accomplished in this world so that you can see that he is, indeed, alive and working. And he is, indeed, a loving and compassionate God. If you are suffering from depression, please leave a comment so I can be in prayer for you.

Mark 14:71-72

"Now Peter got really nervous and swore, 

'I never laid eyes on this man you're talking about.' 
Just then the rooster crowed a second time. 

Peter remembered how Jesus had said, 

'Before a rooster crows twice, you'll deny me three times.' 

He collapsed in tears." 

Mark 14:71-72 (The Message)

After I had a few miscarriages and handled each one the same way - blaming and condemning God - I vowed that if I ever had another one, I would keep my eyes on Christ and just trust in God's plan for my life. I truly wanted to handle the losses in a manner that would glorify God. 

Then I had a few more miscarriages and handled those even worse than I did the first few. I wanted so much to keep Jesus close to my heart and instead, I denied Him. I turned from Him and felt so lost and alone. 

I imagine Peter must have felt that way. I'm sure he probably considered suicide for denying the Lord. I know I did. But, Jesus forgave him - even before Peter denied him. He told Peter what that he was going to deny him but he didn't throw him out. He took Peter with him as he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. He wanted Peter there with him while his heart was so deeply troubled about what was about to happen. 

I know Jesus wanted me with him as well. It was my own actions that caused me to feel distant from the Lord. I'm sure Jesus was coming to me, saying, "What's the matter with you, Jen, that you can't stick it out with me?!" just as he did with the disciples in the garden. And no matter what I wanted to do, I simply couldn't keep my eyes on Christ in my heartache. 

Now that I've made it through that dark time in my life, I look back on how I turned from God and it causes me to weep. How things would have been different for me had I just trusted in the Lord. Had I allowed God to carry me through the heartache I was going through, instead of pushing him away, blaming him for everything. I'd say I wish I could have a do-over, but I'd really rather not have anymore miscarriages. I think I'll just confess my failure and my sadness to God and allow his forgiveness to wash over me. 

Yes, I pulled a "Peter", but like Peter, God has forgiven me and is bringing me into an even closer relationship with Him. And for that, I praise my Father in Heaven!

Romans 8:26-28

"...God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. 

If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. 

He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, 

our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, 

knows our pregnant condition [pregnant as in waiting], 

and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure 

that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." 

Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Tonight, as I vigilantly pray for a woman I know who is losing her son, I don't know how or what to pray. At our Bible study group Tuesday night, we talked about this passage in scripture and it came into my mind as I was searching for the right words to pray for my friend. And I find comfort in knowing that I don't have to use my words to pray. The Holy Spirit hears my silent moans of grief for this mother and He prays for me. For this loving family who is losing one of their own soon. 

God sees the tears I cry for a woman I have never met and he hears my heart without me even having to speak a sound. And God already knows every detail of this family's life. He is working. And what he does is good. 

I'm not saying it's good for a mother or father to lose their child. I'm not saying it's good for siblings to go through the loss of their brother. What I am saying is that... ok... I admit it... I don't know what I'm trying to say. :-( Romans 8:28 is a verse I have struggled with a lot in my life. What I've come to understand about it is that not everything that happens to us is good. But, God uses what happens to us to bring good into our lives. Perhaps we suffer in certain ways so that we can be a source of comfort when someone we know suffers. I just don't know...

I just looked up the notes for Romans 8:28 in my husband's Life Application Bible. Rather than continue to slaughter what I think God is trying to say, I'll just write what his Bible says, as it says it so much better than I ever could.

"God works in 'everything' - not just isolated incidents - for our good. 

This does not mean that all that happens to us is good. 

Evil is prevalent in our fallen world, but God is able to turn 

every circumstance around for our long-range good. 

Note that God is not working to make us happy 

but to fulfill his purpose." 

I'll just leave it at that.

Deuteronomy 4:29-31

"...if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, 

looking for him with your whole heart and soul.  

When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, 

in future days you will come back to God, your God, 

and listen obediently to what he says. [emphasis mine] 

God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. 

In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin..." 

Deuteronomy 4:29-31 (The Message)

I bolded the above sentence because this verse really stuck out with me when I read this. This is part of why I haven't written in the last few days. I've just been mulling this verse over in my mind and haven't been able to figure out what to say, yet having so much I need to say about this verse. I finally decided the best way to figure out what to say is to just start writing. So, here I am, hoping the Lord helps me get my thoughts to straighten out as I go. :-)

"When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, 

in future days you will come back to God, 

your God and listen obediently to what he says." 

*insert sigh of relief here*

So, all the times I've had some awful times come my way He KNEW I was going to wander from Him and go through a period of "slavery" to my troubles, yet He ALSO knew I would come back to him. And ever better, He would meet me with compassion and not condemnation? He would be there for me and not abandon me? 

The picture this paints for me is so overwhelming that words can't even describe what I'm thinking and feeling right now. (And have been thinking and feeling for several days now.) 

That God knew that I would blame Him. I would even feel hatred towards Him, yet He still felt compassion for me during that time... well... that just blows my mind. 

I pretty much turned from God after my loss of Trystan (my 7th miscarriage). Bitterness entered my heart and I couldn't even sing in church. I went (sometimes) because I wasn't about to turn my family away from God. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I also felt so powerless to stop it. I wanted to scream at God. I wanted Him to explain to me WHY He kept taking my babies from me. 

Oh, people told me God NEEDED my babies more than I did. No, he didn't! God doesn't NEED anything or anybody! And He certainly didn't NEED my babies! I had people tell me all sorts of platitudes - none of which made me feel better. And I just wanted to feel better! I wanted to know WHY! 

No one could tell me why and God certainly wasn't answering, so why should "I" give "him" the time of day?! Especially when He had to have known, yet another, loss would cause me to turn from my faith. He must have WANTED me to leave His side. So, I'd do Him a favor and leave Him alone.And I did. 

I stopped praying. I stopped reading my Bible. I would come up with any excuse I could not to have to go to church. And if I wasn't able to get out of it, I'd go through the motions, but inside I felt dead. I wasn't going to sing praise songs to a God who stole my babies from me. I wasn't going to pray to a God who seemed to answer all my prayers the opposite of what I asked for. I wasn't going to listen to a person preach about a God who THEY claimed was full of mercy and grace, when I sure didn't see His "amazing" mercy and grace in my life! 

But, then I kept hearing this still, small voice calling me back. I'd catch myself praying during the day and have to literally remind myself that I wasn't going to pray to THAT God anymore, so I'd stop. I'd talk to a friend who was going through a hard time and the next thing I knew, I was looking up a Bible verse to share with them and then remember I wasn't "supposed" to be doing that. Oh, I was in full-on rebellion all right!

Then my husband and I went on a retreat for people who have gone through the loss of their babies. I'll write more about that retreat another time, I'm sure, but tonight, I just want to say that this retreat caused me to come back to God, just as this passage talks about. When troubles came, I turned my back on God. But, "in future days" I came back to Him. And I'm trying to listen obediently to what He says.

I may never know why my babies had to die in my womb. But, you know what I do know? I know that God IS a compassionate God. I know that God DIDN'T abandon me. I know that God DIDN'T bring me to ruin. And yes... I know that God STILL loves me.

Psalm 30:2-3,5

"God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. 

God, you pulled me out of the grave, 

gave me another chance at life when 

I was down-and-out." 

Psalm 30:2-3 (The Message)

I like that this paraphrase uses the phrase "yelled for help". When we are knee-deep in the muck of this life, we don't necessarily speak quietly. At least I know I don't! I've yelled at God. I poured my heart out to God. In fact, I screamed at God. And you know what? I'm still alive to tell about it. God is a big enough God to handle my anger, my fear, my frustration, my grief. And he's big enough to handle yours. Cry out to Him. He WILL hear you and He will help you. He WILL give you another chance at life.

Another verse I love from this Psalm is verse 5:  

"The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter."

This has definitely happened to me. My days are now filled with laughter. I love to be silly with the kids and they love to break out in unable-to-stop laughter with me. There is nothing like laughing so hard you cry with your kids. Nothing. :-) Ok.. so maybe laughing so hard your kids wet their pants... ;-)

Psalm 30:11-12

"You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God, I can't thank you enough."
Psalm 30:11-12 (The Message)

God did do this for me. I was deep in the grips of grief and mourning and he rescued me from that. He didn't do it immediately; it took a couple years, but he did it nonetheless! My mourning has turned to dancing and I can no longer keep quiet about what he has done for me. I truly cannot thank God enough!