Psalm 79:4-5a, 8b-9, 13

"We're nothing but a joke to our neighbors,

graffiti scrawled on the city walls.

How long do we have to put up with this, God?

...Hurry up and help us; 

we're at the end of our rope.

You're famous for helping; 

God, give us a break...

...Then we, your people, the ones you love and care for,

will thank you over and over and over.

We'll tell everyone we meet

how wonderful you are, how praiseworthy you are!"

Psalm 79:405a, 8b-9, 13 (The Message)

This is how I feel these days: like a joke to one of our children. This child defies us, mocks us, and challenges us on absolutely everything we say or do. I know a lot of this is the age of this child. But, some of it is also because of the hurts in this child's heart from things in his/her past. Even so, my husband and I are tired. We feel as if we're at the end of our rope. And I'm sure our child feels the same. We all need a break. Including the other children in our home. 

We need God's help. I have been begging for God's help, yet the turmoil persists. Does this mean God isn't working? Absolutely not! God is working, but he's working with fallible human beings who are all stubborn and strong-willed. Who all have pride issues that we're dealing with. Who all have a hard time admitting when they're wrong. But, he's also dealing with human beings who all want life in our home to be different. We all feel like giving up, but due to our stubbornness, I don't think any of us will. 

The key is that we each be willing to allow God to work in our hearts. I can't speak for the rest of my family, but I can speak for myself when I say that I am trusting that God will help us through this. I may say, "I'm done." I may say, "I just want to drive away as fast as I can, as far as I can, and never come back.". But, I could never actually do that because I know God is going to bring healing to my family and I plan to be here to see that happen. 

When it does happen, you can be certain that I will be thanking God over and over and over again and will be telling everyone I meet how wonderful God is!

Psalm 68:19

"Praise the Lord; praise God our savior!

For each day he carries us in his arms."

Psalm 68:19 (NLT)

Today was a rough day. Every single member of my family is sick. Some have sinus infections. Some of stomach bugs. And some have both. I was one with a stomach bug. Emotions in my home have been up and down, and then with everyone getting sick, I wasn't sure how I was going to get through this day. But, the Lord carried me through it. 

We have a family of eight staying with us right now. I love having them here, but it's tough to have guests when you're not feeling well; I was worried about how I could be a pleasant hostess when I was feeling so sick. Then it turned out that they were all gone for the day. I had spaced out that they were going to the city for a medical appointment. So, I was able to get some much needed rest this morning without worrying about being a good hostess. :-) By the time I woke up from my morning nap, I was feeling ten times better, so I was able to do some cleaning up in the kitchen and even make spaghetti - from scratch. 

The Lord truly does carry us along day after day!

Psalm 65:5

"You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,

O God our savior. 

You are the hope of everyone on earth,

even those who sail on distant seas."

Psalm 65:5 (NLT)

Psalm 65 paints a beautiful picture of how God takes care of his earth. It goes into quite a bit of detail of the things he does to make the things of earth grow and blossom. If God takes the time to care for his earth, how much more does he want to take the time to care for us, his children? 

My prayer right now is for my family to be whole again. This is a righteous prayer. A prayer that God can, and will, answer - if the people in my family want it as well. We are given free will and if one member (or two, or three...) decides to give up on the family, there's not a whole lot I can do about it. But, what I can do is pray. Because God can change hearts. 

God is my hope for my family. He will work, if we let him. Will you please pray with me that we will all allow God to work to bring wholeness and healing to my family?

Psalm 61:1-4

"O God, listen to my cry!

Hear my prayer! 

From the ends of the earth, 

I cry to you for help

when my heart is overwhelmed.

Lead me to the towering rock of safety,

for you are my safe refuge,

a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.

Let me live forever in your sanctuary, 

safe beneath the shelter of your wings!"

Psalm 61:1-4 (NLT)

Some days life is just plain overwhelming. Everything feels like it's bombarding me and I can't seem to catch a break. Do you ever have days like that? 

In the past, I have attempted to handle these days on my own. I often think God is too busy for my piddly little problems. He has more important things to worry about. But, then he gently reminds me that he cares for the sparrows, so he cares that much more for me and my problems. 

Where is God's sanctuary? Where is the towering rock of safety? Or the safe refuge? The Word of God. When life doesn't stop coming at me full throttle - when I become so overwhelmed that I can't make a decision - I turn to God's Word for direction. Always, I am reminded that God is my strength. And when I cry out to him, he helps me. Oh, he doesn't fix all the issues in my life, but he gives me the strength to tackle each one, one at a time. When I go to God, I am "safe beneath the shelter of His wings!"

Psalm 52:9, Psalm 54:1-2; Psalm 55:6-8

"I thank you always

that you went into action.

And I'll stay right here, 

your good name my hope,

in company with your faithful friends."

Psalm 52:9 (The Message)

God did go into action today! We had a very important meeting this afternoon that I have been stressing about for about a couple weeks now. All the signs pointed to a positive outcome, but you know how Satan loves to wreak havoc on our thoughts! My mind felt like it was spinning out of control!

We had hundreds of people praying for truth to prevail. Yesterday, I was reading in Psalms and read this:

"God, for your sake, help me!

Use your influence to clear me.

Listen God - I'm desperate.

Don't be too busy to hear me."

Psalm 54:1-2 (The Message)

How I clung to this passage today! My anxiety level was through the roof - I felt like I was going to pass out all day due to being unable to breathe. But, I just kept repeating this verse and remembering how many people were praying for us and for truth. 

God heard our prayers and answered them in a mighty way! I have hope for the future. And now I'm ready for what Psalm 55 talks about:

"I want some peace and quiet. 

I want a walk in the country,

I want a cabin in the woods.

I'm desperate for a change 

from rage and stormy weather."

Psalm 55:6-8 (The Message)

I know having kids who are teens/pre-teen means there will still be times of stormy weather. Shoot, just life itself brings some pretty nasty weather! But, I also know that:

"When I call to God;

God will help me.

At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh

deep sighs - he hears, he rescues.

My life is well and whole, secure 

in the middle of danger..."

Psalm 55:16-18a (The Message)

I trust in God to get my family through anything the future holds. 

Psalm 51:16-17

"Going through the motions doesn't please you,

a flawless performance is nothing to you.

I learned God-worship 

when my pride was shattered.

Heart-shattered lives ready for love

don't for a moment escape God's notice."

Psalm 51:16-17 (The Message)

Shattered pride. Shattered hearts. Shattered lives. This pretty much describes me these days. Life is really not working out the way I had planned. I had great visions of adopting two kids and living "happily ever after". Only, that's not the way it's going at all. And in my pride I had to hold it all in. 

Oh, I have a handful of close friends I tell (most of) the truth to, but out of fear I keep the real truth from many, many people. I don't want to scare people away from adoption. I don't want people to use us as an example as to why people shouldn't adopt - especially when they're adopting older children. I feel like we live under a microscope, but it's only recently that I realized it's a microscope of my own creation. I wanted people to look at us and see a happy, God-centered family whose children were so well-behaved and perfect that they used us as examples of how wonderful adoption can be. Well, folks. That ain't happenin'. 

God doesn't want a flawless performance. He wants our hearts. And when I try to perform in order to look good on the outside, I am not pleasing God at all. My family is in a world of trouble. My pride has been shattered due to the sin of someone near to me, but yes... also due to my own sin. 

My heart is shattered. The hopes I had for having a close relationship with my daughter are crashing down around me. This is not what I envisioned. This is not what I want. I don't want to feel like there is a 10ft brick wall between me and my daughter. 

My life feels shattered in the fact that my family is suffering because of everything going on. I've lived this once already and vowed my own children would never have to live this. And yet... it's completely out of my control. I can't do anything to change what has happened in my family. I can't go back and change history. 

What I can do is give it all to God. My heart is ready for love. My heart is ready for restoration. And while that seems impossible to my human brain, I know that with God, it is very, very possible. So, while everything in my being is screaming at me to run far away, I plan to stick it out because I know that the future that God has for us is not one of pain and heartache. He can take the most ugly situation and turn it into something beautiful. So, I plan to keep turning my kids, my husband, myself and my life over to God's care. He can, and will, work miracles. And it is only through Him that my family will be put back together.

Luke 1:78-79

"Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, 

God's Sunrise will break in upon us,

Shining on those in the darkness,

Those sitting in the shadow of death,

Then showing us the way, one foot at a time,

Down the path of peace."

Luke 1:78-79 (The Message)

What a beautiful picture of Jesus! "God's Sunrise". Given to us by God's tender mercy. Are you in the dark? Are you sitting in the shadow of death? Close your eyes and picture God's Sunrise, breaking through the clouds. Lift up your face to Heaven and feel the warmth of Jesus shining down on you. He is there. He is reaching out for you. And He will show you the way, "one foot at a time", guiding you "down the path of peace". 

Oh God,

When the darkness begins to take over, I lift my face to Jesus, 

living in the hope that you will rescue me. Carry me now, Lord God. 

The darkness can seem so strong - so powerful. But Lord... 

you are always stronger than the darkness. 

When I bring my pain into Your Light, 

you will work and bring me peace. 

Guide me now and always, one foot a time. 

In Jesus' radiant name I pray. 

Amen.

Judges 6:23

"But God reassured him, 

'Easy now. Don't panic. You won't die.'

Judges 6:23 (The Message)

It's been awhile since I last blogged because I was dealing with some medical issues, but I'm back now, and am going to start to slowly get back into blogging. I continued to read my Bible while I was under the weather, but stuck mostly to Psalms and Proverbs. However, I did read this in Judges and it really stuck with me. 

I, and many of my friends, sometimes have to deal with these pesky little things called "Panic Attacks", otherwise known as "Anxiety Attacks". They are annoying, to say the least. I can be out at a restaurant and suddenly have to GET OUT OF THERE faster than I can say, "I need to go." Thankfully, we've never actually had to leave due to one of these attacks, but I attribute that to the power of deep breathing. And prayer. 

This verse really hit me when I read it and I plan to memorize it. Often times, during a panic attack, we do feel as if we are going to die. But, am I really going to die because I can't get out of a restaurant fast enough? Am I really going to die because I'm facing some incredibly scary stuff in my life? Not on your life! (pun intended) 

This verse is a great verse to memorize and repeat as a mantra, of sorts, when the panic begins to set in. If you're able, close your eyes, take a few slow, deep breaths, allowing your body to relax deeply with each exhale. Then, just slowly repeat these words, in your mind (or out loud, if able) with each inhale, trying to picture Jesus sitting in front of you, keeping your eye contact, while holding your hands in his: "Easy now. Don't panic.You won't die." 

Doesn't that just bring peace to your soul? Ahhhh...*deep, cleansing breath* I feel better already!

Psalm 59:16b-17

"For you've been a safe place for me, 

a good place to hide.

Strong God, I'm watching you do it,

I can always count on you - 

God, my dependable love."

Psalm 59:16b-17 (The Message)

Sometimes having an adopted child is so very difficult. Scratch that... sometimes having a teenage daughter is difficult. It seems every time we start to make progress, something happens to cause a major setback. Either I flip out, or she flips out. I'm not sure what it's going to take to have a decent relationship with each other. But, I do know that I can count on God to make it happen. I do know I can't make it happen, so when things get rough, God is my safe place. He is where I can go to hide from the chaos for some time of peace.

I'm not a perfect mother. I make my fair share of mistakes. Oh, I wish I was perfect! If I was perfect, maybe things would be better. Alas, I am not and things get better for a time and then they fall apart again. All I can do is keep putting my life and the life of my daughter into God's hands and pray for a miracle. 

Mark 15:34

"At three o'clock, Jesus groaned out of the depths, 

crying loudly, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?' 

which means, 'My God, my God, 

why have you abandoned me?"

Mark 15:34 (The Message)

Have you ever been in a dark pit of despair? Where no matter how hard you look, you just can't see God? I have. It was a very scary place to be. I had no hope at all. And when a person has no hope, what do they have to live for?

(I'm a bit scared to write this post, but I know I'm not the only one who has ever been in this dark hole. Maybe you're reading this and thinking, "That's where I am right now!" It is for your sake that I'm going to make myself vulnerable here. Because the last thing you need to believe is that you are alone, when you truly are not!)

I was drowning in despair and guilt. Why guilt? Because I had children who needed me, but I couldn't be there emotionally. Oh, I went through the motions and did a darn good job. I plastered a smile on my face for everyone on the outside to see, but inside I felt dead. I mean, literally dead. Emotionless. It was a very frightening place to be.

I became suicidal. I'd drive up to a mountain near our house and sit there, fighting with myself not to drive off the edge. I was terrified and felt so out of control of myself. I had SO MUCH to live for - 3 beautiful children, a wonderful husband who loved me so very much. Yet, the darkness consumed me. I felt I had no way out. I cried out to the Lord nearly every day, asking why he had abandoned me and wondering where he was. "Why won't you help me?!" was the cry of my heart. 

I don't have any answers as to why he remained silent during this time - other than the fact that I wasn't listening for him. Bitterness and fear had taken over my heart and I don't think there was any room for God in that. I believe it was also a chemical issue with my brain. So many people look at this stuff in their lives and think "I'm just weak". I'm sorry, but it took STRENGTH not to drive off those cliffs! (A strength that, in looking back, I can see was God, pure and simple.) 

I don't know why God allowed me to walk this path of depression. But, I do know that he's getting me through it. I ended up checking myself into a hospital - mainly because I just needed help sleeping - there isn't much a person can do with their mental sanity when they aren't getting decent sleep at night. I was able to get some medication to help me sleep and I stayed there for 3 days just resting so I could come back home and really get on with healing. 

I started taking an antidepressant medication - something I vowed I would NEVER do! Let me tell you this... I will NOT allow society to condemn me for needing a medication to keep me alive. I have no qualms about needing to take this drug. Did I wake up one morning and say, "Hmmm... I think I'm going to be suicidal from now on?" No, I did not. And no - I wasn't trying to seek attention as some people may believe. I mean, seriously? Do you really think I wanted the kind of attention that suicidal tendencies bring? I see absolutely no difference between needing insulin for diabetes or chemotherapy for cancer and medication for depression. We don't choose to have depression. If I had a choice, I'd choose feeling joyful and exuberant over feeling depressed every day. But, with the medication, and with my relationship with God getting back on track, I do feel joy more often. And that, my friends, is worth every pill I have to take! 

If you're struggling with feeling suicidal, please talk to someone. Go to your spouse, a parent, a friend, a pastor, or call a suicidal hotline (I have some numbers listed below). Just please - get it out into the Light. Satan loves what we hide in the darkness - he thrives on that environment and he will do anything to get you to succumb to death. But, God will work when we bring our thoughts out into the Light. In fact, he wants to work in your heart right now! There IS hope. God has not abandoned you! Please, reach out for help. Your life matters to me and to many others.

Suicide Hotlines:

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

or to find a hotline specific to your state, visit SuicideHotlines.com

Psalm 57:1-3

"Be good to me God - and now! I've run to you for dear life. 

I'm hiding out under your wings until the hurricane blows over. 

I call out to High God, the God who holds me together. 

He sends orders from heaven and saves me, 

he humiliates those who kick me around. 

God delivers generous love, 

he makes good on his word." 

Psalm 57:1-3 (The Message)

This is the passage I'm currently memorizing. I hope to memorize the entire Psalm as I've found this entire Psalm to be quite useful when your facing the attitudes that can fly in a house with a teen daughter and preteen boys. The hurricane being the negative attitudes, of course. ;-) 

Something that has helped me so much is when the attitudes begin to fly, I excuse myself from the situation, go into my room and work on reciting this passage. In a sense - "I run to God for dear life" because I know that all it takes is one wrong response from me and the hurricane can destroy everything. But, if "I hide out under God's wings", the hurricane will blow over. And while I'm hiding out with God, he is "holding me together". I literally feel as if his wings are keeping me from walking out and really letting the kids have the full force of my wrath. 

God does "deliver generous love". He does "make good on his word". And if I can just remember to do this each and every time my temper gets set off, our home can be a home of peace. 

If you're a parent, I encourage you to read the rest of this Psalm - I especially like the wording of the Message Paraphrase. Imagine the pride of lions being your kids and it might even make you chuckle a bit. ;-) When it talks about how "they booby-trapped my path" imagine what it's like when your kids all gang up on you and hound you to no end. And when you get through that "attack" notice how David thanked God, singing his praises. (And realize that this can really drive your kids batty when they've "attacked" and you're calmly singing God's praises. Yeah... I have a dark side...) 

And remember, "the deeper God's love, the higher it goes; every cloud is a flag to your faithfulness". (Psalm 57:10 The Message)

Deuteronomy 13:8, 10

"...don't go along with him; shut your ears... 

He tried to turn you traitor against God, your God..." 

Deuteronomy 13:8, 10 (The Message)

These bits of verses are talking about if anyone tries to get you to turn away from God and/or worship other Gods. God tells us to stone the people to death who try to do this, but this day and age, we can't really do that and not get arrested, however, we can shut our ears to it and walk away.

I had this happen to me when I was a young adult, about the age of 19. I was involved in a cult for teens - that's a story for another time - but the head of this cult was a man who didn't have time for Christians. And I was a Christian. I may not have acted very much like one, but I still believed in my heart that Jesus was my Lord and Savior. I just wasn't allowed to talk about it much in this group or I'd get mocked and ridiculed.

I was living in California, very active in this cult - had moved away from my family in the hopes that doing so would gain me "points" in this group. I lived there for several months and I had a psycho roommate who caused me to call my dad numerous times to come get me, only to be talked out of it by one of the group's "counselors". One time my dad even came to get me (we lived in another state) and by the time he got there, I told him I had changed my mind. I can't imagine how frustrated he must have been!

Finally, the thing that got me to leave the cult, once and for all, was one night I was invited to the house of the leader of the group for dinner. I remember thinking how awesome it was that I was getting to eat at his house. The dinner was great. The conversation was great. And then, the deciding factor happened. This man and his wife tried to talk me out of my faith. I believe there's a verse in the Bible which talks about the Holy Spirit giving us the words we need. [Edited to add, this verse is found in Mark 13:11) Well... he did just that.

I wasn't an outspoken kid. I am now and I have no hesitation in speaking up for myself or anyone I love, but back then, I was a follower, not a leader. I don't remember much from that conversation except for the fact that I would not denounce my faith. I know that was the Holy Spirit taking over for me - doing what I couldn't do for myself. I remember when I got in my car to go home, I was shaking. And when I got back to my apartment, I called my dad and told him to come get me asap because I needed to get out of there NOW.

As it turns out, I was about to get kicked out of the cult anyway, but I knew God had protected me that night and that I needed to leave. I am so thankful for getting out of that group. It was twisted and messed up and I'm still getting PTSD treatment for all they did to warp my self-worth. God is gracious and he saved me from something that has messed up the lives of many people I love. (But, praise God, they are all free from the control of this group now!)

Now I know, if the time ever comes where I have to choose my faith or my life, the Holy Spirit will give me the strength to choose my faith. Something that, at one time, caused me so much fear, now leaves me feeling at peace. Thank you, Jesus!

Romans 8:26-28

"...God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. 

If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. 

He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, 

our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, 

knows our pregnant condition [pregnant as in waiting], 

and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure 

that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." 

Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Tonight, as I vigilantly pray for a woman I know who is losing her son, I don't know how or what to pray. At our Bible study group Tuesday night, we talked about this passage in scripture and it came into my mind as I was searching for the right words to pray for my friend. And I find comfort in knowing that I don't have to use my words to pray. The Holy Spirit hears my silent moans of grief for this mother and He prays for me. For this loving family who is losing one of their own soon. 

God sees the tears I cry for a woman I have never met and he hears my heart without me even having to speak a sound. And God already knows every detail of this family's life. He is working. And what he does is good. 

I'm not saying it's good for a mother or father to lose their child. I'm not saying it's good for siblings to go through the loss of their brother. What I am saying is that... ok... I admit it... I don't know what I'm trying to say. :-( Romans 8:28 is a verse I have struggled with a lot in my life. What I've come to understand about it is that not everything that happens to us is good. But, God uses what happens to us to bring good into our lives. Perhaps we suffer in certain ways so that we can be a source of comfort when someone we know suffers. I just don't know...

I just looked up the notes for Romans 8:28 in my husband's Life Application Bible. Rather than continue to slaughter what I think God is trying to say, I'll just write what his Bible says, as it says it so much better than I ever could.

"God works in 'everything' - not just isolated incidents - for our good. 

This does not mean that all that happens to us is good. 

Evil is prevalent in our fallen world, but God is able to turn 

every circumstance around for our long-range good. 

Note that God is not working to make us happy 

but to fulfill his purpose." 

I'll just leave it at that.

Proverbs 1:33, 2:2-7a

"First pay attention to me [Lady Wisdom], and then relax. 

Now you can take it easy - you're in good hands." 

Proverbs 1:33 (The Message)

Ahhhh... and who wouldn't want to be able to relax and take it easy? 

"Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. 

Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. 

Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. 

Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord, 

and you will gain knowledge of God. For the Lord grants wisdom! 

From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. 

He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest...." 

Proverbs 2:2-7a (NLT)

I love the image I get in my mind when I read these verses. If I ask for wisdom, God will grant it to me. And when he grants it to me, I can relax! I can take it easy and know that God's got it all under control. I don't have to try to FIX everything. God's got it covered! I don't have to be perfect, in the world's eyes. God's got me covered. I don't have to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow. God already knows and he's got it covered! I can relax! I can let go of my worries because God's got me in the palm of his great hand and...

say it with me...

"GOD'S GOT IT COVERED!!!!"

Psalm 34:17-18

"Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're
kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath."
Psalm 34:17-18 (The Message)

Really needed this tonight. It was a rough day for me physically and emotionally. My heart felt broken and I felt as if I had been kicked in the gut, but God - through the help of a dear friend and a wonderful just-listening husband - did help me catch my breath. I'm so blessed!