Psalm 82:11-13

"But my people didn't listen,

Israel paid no attention;

So I let go of the reins and told them, 'Run!

Do it your own way!'

"Oh, dear people, will you listen to me now?

Israel, will you follow my map?"

Psalm 82:11-14 (The Message)

This is one of the many things I love about God. He doesn't force us to obey him. He gave us "free-will". We can choose to follow his map for our lives or we can choose to go our own way. But, if we make the choice to go our own way, we darn well better not accuse him of wrong-doing if our way falls apart! Which it almost always will.

I went through a pretty dark period in my life where I literally told God to get his hands off of my life and leave me alone. He did. I can picture him now, taking a hands-off approach with such sadness in his eyes - knowing what pain was awaiting me. And boy! Did I go through some pain! My heart became bitter and dark. I wanted to spit when I heard praise music. I wanted to throw my Bible across the room whenever I saw it. I sat in church and went through the motions all the while accusing God of hypocrisy.

Do you see the amazing thing about this particular passage of Scripture? God let the reins go and allowed the Israelites to go their own way. And after they totally messed it all up, did he tell them he was staying away? Did he condemn them to a horrible life for their sin? No! He called them his "dear people" and asked them to follow him again. In fact, when I read this, I almost hear a sense of pleading in his tone. He was pleading with his people to come back to him! In fact, if you keep reading the rest of this Psalm, you'll see God telling the Israelites he'll take care of their enemies and give the Israelites a feast. 

He'll do that with us as well. If you've had enough of trying to live life on your terms, why don't you come back to the One who can make everything right in your life? The weight can be removed from your shoulders and you can have peace. All it takes is confessing your desire to do life on your terms and asking God to take the reins again. He will. And he will celebrate with you upon your return!

2 Kings 1:3

"...Is there no God in Israel? 

Why are you going to Baal-zebub,

the god of Ekron, 

to ask whether he (King Ahaziah) will recover?"

2 Kings 1:3 (NLT)

This verse is being spoken to King Ahaziah after he fell off a balcony in his home. He sent his messengers to consult Baal-Zebub rather than have them consult God. For consulting a false God rather than the One true God, Ahaziah never again left his bed until the day he died. 

What does that have to do with us today? I think it has a lot to do with us! How often do we seek other people's advice before going to the Lord for direction? If you're anything like me - you almost always go to others first. This has convicted me that from now on, I go to God first. 

Does this mean I can never seek the counsel of anyone else? Absolutely not! God can use other people to direct us in his ways, just as he used prophets in Biblical days. I have some very wise people in my life and I know they would lead me down God's path. But, sometimes I rely on those people too much. Sometimes I seek their advice, never seeking God's advice. 

So, for me, I'm going to start taking my questions and concerns to the Lord and if I need further direction, then I will seek out the wisdom of my friends. I need to start to rely on God more. He is truly the only One who will never let me down.

Proverbs 20:6, 9

"Lots of people claim to be loyal and loving,

but where on earth can you find one?...

For who among us can be trusted

to be always diligent and honest?"

Proverbs 20:6, 9 (The Message)

Today I was betrayed by someone I had hoped would never betray me. I'm still a bit shell-shocked by it all, but a dear friend reminded me that the only person who will never betray us or break our trust is God. I have a decision to make and it's not an easy one. Do I continue in a relationship with this person or do I walk away? I simply do not know. 

I was so torn earlier today about this. My mind wouldn't stop racing with questions about what to do. What ifs were all over the place in my head. So, I drove up to the top of a mountain near where we live, found a secluded spot, rolled the windows down and spent some time with the Lord. 

I was listening to some music when I looked down and saw a Bible on the floor of the car. So, I got it out and started reading in Psalms. Then, I remembered that I downloaded a Bible app for my phone, so I got that out and searched for verses about betrayal. I read a few of those. I decided I wanted to sing a bit, so I got out my "Until the End of the World" soundtrack CD and listened to one of my favorite songs, "Calling All Angels" by Jane Siberry a few times, singing along with it without a care in the world because I knew no one was around to hear me. (Ok, maybe my singing is why Bigfoot didn't get me as one of my boys always warns me about him when I go off into the woods alone...) I ended my time with purging all my racing thoughts and hurt to the Lord. 

I felt the Lord telling me to just STOP, be still and LISTEN. So, I did. I sat there listening to the wind gently blow through the leaves until I felt the Lord telling me that it was OK. I didn't have to make any decisions right then. I could simply wait. So, that's what I'm doing. I don't know what the future holds for my relationship with this person. But, I do know that the Lord will never forsake me. My trust is in Him - not in human fallibility. And for tonight - that is enough. I'm simply going to basque in the peace the Lord has filled me with and rest.

Proverbs 19:8

"Grow a wise heart - you'll do yourself a favor;

keep a clear head - you'll find a good life."

Proverbs 19:8 (The Message)

I've blogged about this verse already, but I just needed to write my thoughts about this verse again. I sincerely hope it doesn't sound like I'm tooting my own horn, because what I'm about to say is a gift from God, pure and simple. Trust me - the changes in my are definitely not of my own doing! They are a result of me finally allowing God to have complete and total control over every aspect of my life (at least the majority of the time).

I've been reading the Bible pretty much daily now since January. In that time, I have read Proverbs 3 times and am on my 4th time now. Each time God speaks to me in different ways. I've been trying really hard to apply what I hear God say to me. In doing so, my heart is growing wiser. I have a very, very long ways to go yet, but God is working. My head is clearer - especially when I get frustrated with my husband or my children. I'm keeping my cool more and while I have moments/days where I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope (as I did today), I'm also enjoying a better life than I ever have before. 

I have more self-control. I'm not so quick to lose my temper. And when I do get frustrated, I'm able to be quieter about it - more clear-headed. Am I perfect in this? By no means. But, I'm improving. And isn't that what we hope to do each day in our relationship with Christ? 

I pray the Lord continues to work in my heart. I pray that he continues to work in the relationships I have with my family and friends. I pray that he continues to teach me his wisdom so that my life just gets better and better!

Psalm 79:4-5a, 8b-9, 13

"We're nothing but a joke to our neighbors,

graffiti scrawled on the city walls.

How long do we have to put up with this, God?

...Hurry up and help us; 

we're at the end of our rope.

You're famous for helping; 

God, give us a break...

...Then we, your people, the ones you love and care for,

will thank you over and over and over.

We'll tell everyone we meet

how wonderful you are, how praiseworthy you are!"

Psalm 79:405a, 8b-9, 13 (The Message)

This is how I feel these days: like a joke to one of our children. This child defies us, mocks us, and challenges us on absolutely everything we say or do. I know a lot of this is the age of this child. But, some of it is also because of the hurts in this child's heart from things in his/her past. Even so, my husband and I are tired. We feel as if we're at the end of our rope. And I'm sure our child feels the same. We all need a break. Including the other children in our home. 

We need God's help. I have been begging for God's help, yet the turmoil persists. Does this mean God isn't working? Absolutely not! God is working, but he's working with fallible human beings who are all stubborn and strong-willed. Who all have pride issues that we're dealing with. Who all have a hard time admitting when they're wrong. But, he's also dealing with human beings who all want life in our home to be different. We all feel like giving up, but due to our stubbornness, I don't think any of us will. 

The key is that we each be willing to allow God to work in our hearts. I can't speak for the rest of my family, but I can speak for myself when I say that I am trusting that God will help us through this. I may say, "I'm done." I may say, "I just want to drive away as fast as I can, as far as I can, and never come back.". But, I could never actually do that because I know God is going to bring healing to my family and I plan to be here to see that happen. 

When it does happen, you can be certain that I will be thanking God over and over and over again and will be telling everyone I meet how wonderful God is!

Proverbs 18:14

"The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness,
But who can bear a broken spirit?"

Proverbs 18:14 (NKJV)

I have spent the last 5 years going through one medical issue after another. Miscarriage (after several weeks of bedrest), asthma issues, another miscarriage (after a couple months of bedrest), dislocated knee, torn cartilage in my wrist (which required surgery), depression and mono are just some of the things I've had to deal with. As difficult as it's been to deal with one thing after another, I have maintained a good spirit. I was able to function (except for some rough times after the miscarriages) and do what needed to be done. 

But, give me a broken spirit and just getting out of bed is a battle for me. It feels like a heavy weight is on my chest and my body weighs 500 pounds. Keeping my eyes open is a battle; I find myself falling asleep two, sometimes three times a day. Fixing dinner for my family is a chore I can't even get my brain to wrap around, let alone grocery shopping for them. 

I can't seem to beat this broken spirit. 

But, I know who can. Almighty God. While I may struggle to get daily living things done, there is one thing I can do - and that is to read God's Word. In fact, it's the one thing I truly hunger for these days. Even if I don't feel like I have it in me to open it up, I wind up with it sitting open my desk, bent over reading as much of it as I can, soaking it up and waiting to hear God's voice in what I read.

It's as if I'm sitting in the lap of my Father, his arms wrapped around me and I can finally relax. My body is tense every time I check on it. But, when I'm reading the Word or meditating on his Name, my body relaxes completely. He is a balm to my soul. I cling to these moments throughout the day. When my muscles ache from being so incredibly tense, I open to Psalms and soak up the words of the psalmist. I close my eyes and just rest in the words that I've read. 

I can't bear this broken spirit. But, God can. And he is carrying me through this time and is giving me the strength I need to get through each day. Praise be to God!

New King James Version (NKJV) Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Psalm 77:11-12

"Once again I'll go over what God has done,

lay out on the table the ancient wonders;

I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,

and give a long, loving look at your acts."

Psalm 77:11-12 (The Message)

If you read this entire Psalm, you'll see that Asaph is feeling like God has abandoned him. His friends tried to tell him that everything would be ok, but he didn't believe them. He can't sleep. His life feels like it's fallen apart. Sounds a bit like he's down in the dumps, maybe even in full-on depression, doesn't it?

These two verses are key to what we need to do when we feel depressed. We don't need to give in to the depression - we need to think about the things that God has already done in our own lives. If that doesn't work, meditate on the things God did in the Bible. The miraculous ways he worked and the small ways he worked. Make a list of the things he has done. Read it daily. Hourly, if need be. 

For many who are feeling depressed this will be enough. For some, it may not be. You might have a chemical imbalance that requires some sort of medication. But, don't just medicate yourself and expect to get better. Get on some medication, if that's what you need, then think about all the ways God has worked in your life. Write them down in a notebook and read the Bible, specifically looking for ways God has worked in the lives of our ancestors. If you need someone to talk to, find a good, Christian counselor. I'll even go so far as to say, find a secular counselor if you need it. I've used both secular and Christian counselors and have gotten so much help from both. Just please, make sure a secular counselor will support you in your faith-walk with Christ. Some won't. And I believe we can't get true healing from depression without God.

Above all, ponder the things God has accomplished in this world so that you can see that he is, indeed, alive and working. And he is, indeed, a loving and compassionate God. If you are suffering from depression, please leave a comment so I can be in prayer for you.