"Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice."
Psalm 51:16-17 (The Message)
Shattered pride. Shattered hearts. Shattered lives. This pretty much describes me these days. Life is really not working out the way I had planned. I had great visions of adopting two kids and living "happily ever after". Only, that's not the way it's going at all. And in my pride I had to hold it all in.
Oh, I have a handful of close friends I tell (most of) the truth to, but out of fear I keep the real truth from many, many people. I don't want to scare people away from adoption. I don't want people to use us as an example as to why people shouldn't adopt - especially when they're adopting older children. I feel like we live under a microscope, but it's only recently that I realized it's a microscope of my own creation. I wanted people to look at us and see a happy, God-centered family whose children were so well-behaved and perfect that they used us as examples of how wonderful adoption can be. Well, folks. That ain't happenin'.
God doesn't want a flawless performance. He wants our hearts. And when I try to perform in order to look good on the outside, I am not pleasing God at all. My family is in a world of trouble. My pride has been shattered due to the sin of someone near to me, but yes... also due to my own sin.
My heart is shattered. The hopes I had for having a close relationship with my daughter are crashing down around me. This is not what I envisioned. This is not what I want. I don't want to feel like there is a 10ft brick wall between me and my daughter.
My life feels shattered in the fact that my family is suffering because of everything going on. I've lived this once already and vowed my own children would never have to live this. And yet... it's completely out of my control. I can't do anything to change what has happened in my family. I can't go back and change history.
What I can do is give it all to God. My heart is ready for love. My heart is ready for restoration. And while that seems impossible to my human brain, I know that with God, it is very, very possible. So, while everything in my being is screaming at me to run far away, I plan to stick it out because I know that the future that God has for us is not one of pain and heartache. He can take the most ugly situation and turn it into something beautiful. So, I plan to keep turning my kids, my husband, myself and my life over to God's care. He can, and will, work miracles. And it is only through Him that my family will be put back together.