Mark 14:71-72

"Now Peter got really nervous and swore, 

'I never laid eyes on this man you're talking about.' 
Just then the rooster crowed a second time. 

Peter remembered how Jesus had said, 

'Before a rooster crows twice, you'll deny me three times.' 

He collapsed in tears." 

Mark 14:71-72 (The Message)

After I had a few miscarriages and handled each one the same way - blaming and condemning God - I vowed that if I ever had another one, I would keep my eyes on Christ and just trust in God's plan for my life. I truly wanted to handle the losses in a manner that would glorify God. 

Then I had a few more miscarriages and handled those even worse than I did the first few. I wanted so much to keep Jesus close to my heart and instead, I denied Him. I turned from Him and felt so lost and alone. 

I imagine Peter must have felt that way. I'm sure he probably considered suicide for denying the Lord. I know I did. But, Jesus forgave him - even before Peter denied him. He told Peter what that he was going to deny him but he didn't throw him out. He took Peter with him as he prayed in the garden of Gethsemane. He wanted Peter there with him while his heart was so deeply troubled about what was about to happen. 

I know Jesus wanted me with him as well. It was my own actions that caused me to feel distant from the Lord. I'm sure Jesus was coming to me, saying, "What's the matter with you, Jen, that you can't stick it out with me?!" just as he did with the disciples in the garden. And no matter what I wanted to do, I simply couldn't keep my eyes on Christ in my heartache. 

Now that I've made it through that dark time in my life, I look back on how I turned from God and it causes me to weep. How things would have been different for me had I just trusted in the Lord. Had I allowed God to carry me through the heartache I was going through, instead of pushing him away, blaming him for everything. I'd say I wish I could have a do-over, but I'd really rather not have anymore miscarriages. I think I'll just confess my failure and my sadness to God and allow his forgiveness to wash over me. 

Yes, I pulled a "Peter", but like Peter, God has forgiven me and is bringing me into an even closer relationship with Him. And for that, I praise my Father in Heaven!