"God makes everything come out right;
he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work;
opened up his plans to all Israel.
God is sheer mercy and grace;
not easily angered, he's rich in love.
He doesn't endlessly nag and scold,
nor hold grudges that last forever.
He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,
nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
he has separated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
God feels for those who fear him.
He knows us inside and out,
keeps in mind that we're made of mud.
Men and women don't live very long;
like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
leaving nothing to show they were here.
God's love, though, is ever and always,
eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
as they follow his Covenant ways
and remember to do whatever he said."
Psalm 103:6-18 (The Message)
I sinned Friday afternoon in a pretty big way. I (emotionally) hurt one of my children and as much as I'd like to take my words back, I can't do that. As a friend said, "It's like trying to put toothpaste back into the toothpaste tube." Nothing I say is going to make a difference at this point. The only One who can fix this is God.
I feel like ripping my heart out. It is so black with sin and I wonder if it will ever be clean. The Bible says that He "washes us white as snow" but my heart is so stained that I wonder how that can be. I think that there will always be a stain there.
I don't ask God to make this all come out right for my sake. But for my child's sake. I don't want this child's forgiveness for me - Lord knows, I don't deserve it. I want it for the sake of my child's heart. I don't want my child to have an unforgiving, bitter heart. I've been there - it's ugly. I've seen people whose lives have been wasted by unforgiveness and I don't want this for my precious child!
And yet, as I write this, I keep hearing this voice in my head saying, "But, if YOU don't accept my forgiveness for your sin then YOU'RE going to go right back to having that unforgiven, bitter heart yourself." I know this is the truth, and I can believe that God forgives me, but the biggest obstacle for me is forgiving MYSELF.
"Oh Lord. help me to accept your forgiveness and your love.
Make everything in this situation come out right. Heal hearts.
Help everyone to forgive. Help me to accept your forgiveness.
Help my child to accept my repentant heart.
Put my child back on their feet.
Help this child to see and feel Your love,
as well as my own love.
And help ME to forgive myself -
despite my feeling so unworthy."